I will
readily admit that I am not at my best in
high summer.
I never am,
unfortunately. It hurts me deeply to recall, however, just
how far
beneath myself I managed to sink in the summer of 1891.
Not on my own behalf, either. On behalf of the people who
don't deserve
to suffer for my sins. This chronicle is about what my family
deserves,
and what John Watson and Mycroft Holmes got instead,
and the ways in
which seeking justice can go terribly, terribly wrong. It's
also about cowardice,
in a sense, and bravery in another. To this very day I don't
know
which. Perhaps I'll never find out--of the people who know me
best, one
never broached the subject, one cast a decisive vote for cowardly, and
the
other announced me bravery in human form. But whichever it
was, black or
white or grey, I am to blame.
And yet, not all of it was my fault.
Well, I shall be as careful as I can, and who can say?
Perhaps when I'm
through, I'll know whether I am a knight or a knave. That
would certainly
be interesting information to have at my disposal.
At the time of which I speak, for a period of many months, I had been
in active
pursuit--one might in fact call it steady harassment--of one Professor
James
Moriarty, former mathematics chair and the most villainous blot of evil
it has
ever been my duty to eradicate from
But I am an arrogant devil, along with a very lengthy list of other
faults, and
as I say, high summer and I do not agree with one another in the
slightest.
It was a blazing hot day in August. The entirely of London
was like an
oven, and the glare of sunlight on the yellow paint of Camden House
across the
road that morning before we departed to meet with Lestrade was painful
to the
eye.
I have often wondered whether or not, in evolutionary terms, the colour
of a
man's eyes affects his interaction with light itself. For
instance, men
who are born in sun-scorched
In any case, I was miserable that afternoon, soaking the shirt beneath
my
waistcoat when I had already soaked the shirt below that one.
I am a man
of rainstorms and of dark buildings looming gloomily through the fogs
in
winter. And even apart from the weather, now we were on a
train platform.
Train stations are no hardship. I love them, in
fact. Usually I am
never so happy as I am at the very centre of five millions of people,
with all
my deductive filaments stretching out and running through
them. But there
were so many visible people
on that occasion, and I could see not only
what they were doing but who
they were, my brain beating out
Warehouse
Nightwatchman--Baker--Recently Widowed--Jockey--Mail Clerk--Behind in
His Rent
as the sweat trickled down the back of my neck and my head commenced
pounding. I was too uncomfortable and too out of sorts to
stop looking at
people. Or to stop seeing
them, rather. Looking at them,
letting them glide across my eyes like raindrops down a pane, would
have been
far preferable.
I stopped seeing the people, therefore, in favour of seeing
Watson. I
shook the collar flap of my pale grey summer suit briefly, shifted my
long
legs, and glanced at him where he sat with a newspaper on the bench
beside me.
At first, I will swear on a Bible, I only thought he looked so placidly
cool
sitting there. A thermometer at ninety is no hardship to
him. John
Watson does not mind the apex of summertime's myriad
torments. Not a bit
of it. He looked as if he were seated in an
icehouse. His hair was
shining through the surrounding atmospheric brilliance in a way my eyes
announced
molten gold,
but his head
being on fire perturbed him not in the slightest. It
fascinated me.
Everything about him does, after all.
After a few moments, he dropped the paper between us with a small sigh
and gave
me a perfunctory smile. His eyes wandered off
again. I followed
what they were doing, idly, so as to filter out all the rest of the
rabble. Watson was staring at a man a few yards from us
awaiting the
train's boarding whistle just as we were, associative thoughts
trickling
through my friend's mind. I could almost hear them.
It was a pretty
little exercise in reasoning, and I was just beginning to relax at
last,
using it to exclude the rest of the world.
I had followed his reverie for two or three minutes before a shrill
whistle
blast pierced every individual nerve in my body. It was all I
could do
not to hiss back at it like an enraged cat.
"Where have you put the tickets?" I asked Watson.
"What?" he said, glancing back at me as his blue eyes re-focused.
I loathe repeating myself. I abhor it absolutely. I
don't know why,
but the reason is probably repellently selfish. If I had to
repeat
myself, then Watson was not listening to me, and if he was not
listening to me
(he is an exceptionally rapt listener, the most engaged I have ever
spoken
with), then there was something more important on his mind.
And what is
more important than me? There, now I've set it down, I do not
believe it
is quite so simply arrogant as all that. Narcissism is part
of it, but
then so is elegance, and so is efficiency, and so is mere
taste. But in
any case, my ridiculous hatred of repeating myself quite sealed my fate
on that
occasion.
"The tickets, the tickets," I said impatiently. "You are
right, war does seem a most preposterous way of settling a dispute, but
surely
you can spare a thought for the practicalities of rail travel."
Watson's mouth fell open in shock. "What is this, Holmes?"
"You were reading an article about the life and letters of Henry Ward
Beecher just now, which altered your mood enough to cause you to put
down the
newspaper," I explained. "You looked out across the platform
with a distant expression, recalling yourself the incidents of
My friend reached into his inner frock coat pocket.
"Your hand stole toward your old wound--" I began to finish.
"Here is your ticket," Watson returned furiously. "What
you do with it I leave to you, but my preference is that you keep me
quite out
of the picture. Now, get
the hell out of my mind."
Then he was striding toward the nearest passenger car and climbing its
metal
steps and I was left for a moment to reflect on the ever-absorbing
topic of my
shortcomings.
They are many.
Sighing, I rose and headed likewise for the steaming
locomotive. My
friend had already disappeared. It took me ten minutes to
find him when I
had boarded the train.
Watson reclined with his legs crossed, reading the same newspaper,
sitting in
the corner of a small private room with dull brown-gold curtains, two
narrow
plush seats, a pleasant little window showing (at present) the slats of
a
boxcar, and an air of cheerful ill-use. I sat across from
him.
Tentatively. It would not have been out of character for him
to have fled
to a new compartment himself just then, now I'd arrived. Had
Lestrade not
summoned us both to Croydon, the Doctor might have abandoned me for his
club
for remainder of the day by that time. It would hardly have
been the
first such occurrence. But we were both needed and he looked
comfortable
there, though the angry little flush had not left his sculpted
cheekbones.
I cleared my throat. He ignored me.
I parted my lips to say something.
"If you ever,"
Watson informed me in a voice like frozen
nails, baldly not-looking-up from what I recalled by virtue of having
read the
same paper earlier was an article on salmon fishing, "expose my
innermost
thoughts to all the world in the middle of a packed train platform
simply
because you are irritable and bored
again, you will rue the day,
Sherlock Holmes."
"I had just been about to express very similar sentiments," I said
helpfully. "Not, however, couched in the
hypothetical. I will
never expose your innermost thoughts to all the world in the middle of
a packed
train platform again. I hope you will forgive me for
the first
occasion."
Silence.
So.
I leant back against the brush of the thick fabric with one finger over
my
lips, thinking.
"Please?" I attempted. Simplicity itself, from time to time,
will do the trick.
Not on that afternoon.
"Watson, would it improve my standing if I mention that I was only
looking
at you because it had grown unbearable to look at anyone else, and it
is over
ninety degrees, and I feel as if my cravat has melted down my
shirtfront?"
"No," he replied. "Would it improve your under-standing
if I were to mention that I wasn't even aware of what sort of ghastly
things I
was reflecting over before you barged into my brain like a runaway
hansom?"
"Yes, it would."
The Doctor shook his head in exasperation before he recognized he was
meant to
be ignoring me entirely and thus stopped. As if an
afterthought, he
added, "What call a man so perceptive as yourself could have to blazon
the
contents of my mind for the benefit of a public railway station...the
question
entirely baffles me."
"My darling, you could have been thinking of weather patterns over the
"I do not think myself an overly hard man," the Doctor said slowly.
No, the you're the kindest I've
encountered, but with the fastest temper I
have ever seen on any creature save a trained mastiff,
I supplied in
my head.
"Far from it," I voiced.
"But the more you keep talking, 'darling' or no 'darling,' the more I
want
to throw you off this train."
Hmm.
There were days in my younger life when that tone would have sent me
reeling as if from the final blow in a boxing match dealt by a
contender
thirty pounds heavier than me. Not visibly, of
course. Oh,
no. Visibly, I am a whirring mechanical device. I
am a toy made of
gears and metal skin notable only for my immense size. I've
long been
composed of bits of unsanded clockwork to scrape a finger over and draw
blood. But in my twenties, that fight would have sent my
heart thudding
dangerously. I had never known anyone like him, after
all.
Did men of his kind disappear immediately following such
statements? Were
there any other such men from which to base a comparative study?
There were not, as it happened. Not that I had
found. Therein lay
the danger. I knew when the likes of reckless and impatient me
would be maddened beyond tolerance by my own foolishness, but what
about the
likes of the best man in London? I was no longer navigating
such an icy
frozen lake, however. I was not anymore about to fall through
mercurial
cracks. In 1891, nearly a decade after we had commenced an
affair which
still left me daily speechless--and could no longer technically be
termed an
affair at all, since we had long ago titled the arrangement
permanent--I merely
wondered which sort of relief would be the best for all
concerned.
I was thirty-seven and less apt to suppose John Watson would book the
first
transatlantic ticket he could lay hands on and begin a medical practice
in
Watching him be disgusted with me, however, makes my breastbone ache.
1. If he meant what he said about throwing me off the train,
poor soul, I
would leave. Once I'd left, I would find a private spot and
take a dose
of the 7% cocaine solution resting in my pocket and thus forget about
the fact
that I felt like a melting wax candle. I would take the
pretty, sharp
little device and find a good vein in the appalling moonscape of my
left arm,
and send liquid distraction rushing through my blood. He,
meanwhile,
would be angry at me for ten more minutes whilst pretending to read the
newspaper, and then he would worry. He would find me in the
dining car
looking quite like myself but another version entirely, and he would
then--having recognized all my edges were pleasing and razor-smooth and
chemical--inevitably feel as if his temper had done me harm, no matter
how
insufferable I had been. He would forget I had provoked
him. Then
he would be miserable because he felt guilty, and when I
was the one who
was insufferable in the first place, and then indulged in an addiction
he
loathes for good reason in the second place.
Not ideal.
2. If he thought he meant what he said but did not realize he
was only
riding out the last peaks of a wholly justifiable flare-up of profound
annoyance, I would stay. And I would distract him.
Thereby
distracting myself. Then he would not feel guilty and I would
not feel wrong.
Better. If it worked.
How had I distracted him the last time I made him furious, I wondered?
Ah, yes. That had been the result of my informing him that if
I had
wanted a supremely grating sound to announce to me it was time for a
hearty
meal every hour, I should have purchased a cuckoo clock and certainly
not have
expected any lover of mine to debase himself to such a menial task so
very
frequently. His reply to that had been that he'd only wanted
to inform me
I would be dining alone for the foreseeable future, supposing I ever
elected to
dine at all, ever again. I had sent eight dozen extremely
costly cabbage
roses in the wildest hues imaginable round to his club with a very
feminine
tilt to my normally quite bold handwriting and the appellation, "To the
only feast I am able to concentrate upon with any constancy," leaving
the
signature blank.
When he'd arrived home with them in tow, he'd asked very affectionately
please
if I would refrain from bankrupting us whilst simultaneously ruining
his good
name amongst his billiards partners. I had timed the entire
apology so
that on the instant he reached our sitting room, I should be midway
through a
sandwich of no mean size. That meant that I could then be
distracted by him,
and the proper joy at his return, and not have to finish the damn
thing.
He knows perfectly well why my eating habits are so bizarre.
It had worked. But I was not about to find any cabbage roses
on board a
commuter train. Something else, then. I had once
several years ago
performed Bach's Air on the G String so ethereally for him, and
entirely for
him, and he knew it, that he had managed to forgive the fact that I had
set one
of his notebooks--two thirds full of his charmingly clean handwriting,
and much
of that very good indeed--on fire. But I didn't have my
fiddle.
What else?
Aha.
"I only called you 'my darling' because that's what you are," I
commented.
He rubbed his fingers over those ridiculously blue eyes of his as if I
was
asking him to admit to armed robbery or confess himself a murderer,
wincing
slightly because (let us be honest) I was still talking.
Apparently the
only thing worse than being a violent criminal was being the darling of
the
consulting detective opposite his knees. I quite understood
his feelings
on the subject.
"I feel as if I should make amends," I suggested.
The train began to pull away from the station. Slowly,
inexorably, we
were getting further afield from the teeming crowd which had begun to
make my
eyes water. Granted, many of them were on board the train,
but I didn't
mind them when they were out of my sight. And it was cooler
in the
shade. And Watson was looking at his newspaper still, but the
affectation
was becoming more pointed and less natural--less as if he
wanted to
ignore me and more as if he ought.
"There ought to be a penance, don't you think?" I persisted.
Ah, there it was. A blue eye--only one of them, crowned by a
terribly
tilted amber eyebrow--glaring at me from over the newspaper.
"I mean to say, there are several ways in which I might make it up to
you. Should you allow me to atone for my sins."
Watson slapped the two halves of the paper together as if to say,
"Since
you will not allow me to read this article at this very
moment, its
relevance will be forever lost to the mists of salmon fishing history,"
dropped it beside him for the second time, and linked his hands over
the bend
of his knee. But that was all to the good. That was
another sort of
anger, the red clay and not the brittle shale, the sort I
could bend to my
will more effectively.
"Let me guess," he retorted. "Of these 'several ways,'
which of them does ot
involve sexual relations?"
I thought it over. Just for the sake of fairness.
"None," I concluded. "They all involve you coming off in
high style."
The cobalt eyes rolled up to check the condition of the traincar
ceiling and
then fell back to me again. We were picking up speed, the
engine chugging
gamely. The slats of the boxcar outside the window already
were replaced
by shimmering hot iron tracks and further distant walls of brick.
"Holmes," my friend said very clearly, "let me understand
you. You wish to favour me with your attentions--your
presently unwanted
attentions, I might add--and I am to believe that this is some
sort of sacrifice
on your
part. A penance, you called it. Knowing you as I
do, I am meant to
believe that, for example, you could fellate me in a private train
compartment
and not enjoy it in the slightest."
I viciously bit back a maverick smile which would have gotten
me
nowhere. He often makes me laugh when he is enraged at me,
but on the one
occasion I ever showed it, he sent my teacup smashing into the
fireplace. He felt very bad about that, afterward.
It was Mrs.
Hudson's teacup, after all.
"Do you know, my dear boy, I find that likelihood just as difficult to
credit as do you."
"Well, then."
"It would be rather more of a penance if I myself were to abstain
from...ultimately enjoying myself, you'll grant?"
Watson began to speak again and then stopped to think about
it. He wasn't
any less angry, mind. But now he was angry and also
intrigued. I
was careful not to react to this development, however.
"A solo and not a duet. You take my meaning, I think."
"Unreciprocated," he mused coolly.
"Quite so. And you're altogether right about...well, as a
matter of
fact, I think I would have to use my hands exclusively," I murmured,
glancing at them in all appropriate modesty.
Which is to say, none whatsoever. They really are rather
fine, if I do
say so myself.
For a moment, I mused over the advantages of
flirtatiously lighting a
cigarette versus the disadvantages of having to find a place
to put it out
when once I'd cornered him finally. No cigarette, I decided
when I
glanced over at him again. I'd set the upholstery on
fire in a narrow
little compartment like this and ruin it all.
All at once, John Watson made my cornering
possibilities a thousand
times easier. As suave
as you
please, he stood up, walked over to the sliding door, checked its
curtain for
cracks, and then turned the lock. I was flush against his
broad back in
an instant, soundless as I glided over the carpeting. I
placed both my
palms over his chest, dropping my lips to the spot where his dark blond
hair
ends--curling just barely to the right as it becomes the smooth curve
of his
spine. I'd used to think, when he had first returned from the
War, that
his hair would deepen all the way back to brown, but it never
did. And
despite the hats one wears out of doors, by August, he always looks as
if he's
only just arrived from sandy climes. Tasting him, my mouth
open a
fraction, I slid my hands down to either side of his
snug hipbones.
"I take this as a yes."
"Do you ever stop
talking?"
I ought to, but the answer is no.
I
ghosted one hand over his flies, delicately flicking them open,
followed by loosening his underthings. When I'd done so, I
left them
alone a while longer. His collar needed to be gone, in the
first place,
and so did his cravat. The man was not about to kiss me, not
by a very
long shot, and if he wanted me to stop speaking, I was going to have to
do
something else with my tongue. Preferably something engaging.
Soon enough I had my friend marginally undressed to my liking, and I
flipped
him round so his back gently struck the door, sliding one of my
knees tight between his legs. There, I had him
pinned, and of his
own volition. A premature rush of happy triumph washed
through
me. I had every confidence that this was going to go
as I planned
it--that is, with the maximum of pleasure for him, and the minimal
involvement
for me, so that when it was all over I might recover a little
easier. I
was not about to finish him and then spend the next twenty
minutes fighting a raging erection, I thought, not using only
my hands and
not if I focused hard enough. The more fool Sherlock Holmes.
Watson's gaze met mine, looking up at me with his head to the
dark curtain
fabric. His lips weren't smiling, but his eyes
were.
Vengeance,
they
said, is
mine.
Possibly, I was in a very great deal of trouble.
I was about to ask as much, but I wasn't meant to be
conversing. So I
ducked my face under his strongly cut jawline instead, smelling all the
sweetness of summer honey and clean linen on his tanned skin as I
caressed him
with my mouth. Slipping my hand into his open small clothes,
I brushed my fingertips against smooth flesh. But
not with any
pressure, not yet. I waited, following his pulse with my
tongue as I fit
my other palm to his cheek. There was a signal, of sorts,
though he
didn't know it perhaps, and I was waiting for it. I waited
longer, barely
drawing my thumbnail half an inch down his face. Still
waiting, I airily
cupped my palm around his stiffening skin.
There. My friend's warm hands came up to rest comfortably
near the region
of my kidneys, just behind my hips. And I was
so glad over the
awaited companionable concession that when I squeezed
him, loving the
already hardening but silken feel of him in my fingers, I forgot I
wasn't supposed to be talking.
"I truly never meant to vex you, you know. On my honour."
"Possibly not."
I pulled experimentally, more of a drag and only a glancing caress,
shifting my
grip. There is a technique to such things, as there is to
everything. Begin too fast, and you'll only achieve
discomfort. Begin
too slow, and irritated impatience fogs the brain of the
subject.
Begin just right, and you can turn a grown man into a rag doll with one
hand
tied behind your back. It was this last that I was going for,
as
carefully as I could. And I am very good at it.
After a little
while, I moved my lips to his ear, gentling and then whispering.
"I haven't had you in a train car in months. I can't begin to
think
why. You're irresistible in train cars, are you aware of
that? What
were we thinking of?"
"That might have been an oversight on our part," he owned breathily,
"but you are not going to have me on this occasion either, remember?"
"Yes, of course I do, that's the bargain. I don't care."
Monumental lie, as it turned out, but I had supposed I meant it.
Pressing my knee further up into his thighs, I sucked a bruise onto his
neck at
the same time I tightened my grip on him, unmoving but still making
nearly a
fist. He drew in a sharp breath. His collar would
cover the lovely
flush of purple, and really, thinking about its being there while in
Croydon
with Lestrade would be some consolation for the one-sided nature of our
present
activity, I thought. Not to mention, he likes it when I own
him. At least,
when he likes me,
he likes being a prized possession. And I was lucky
on that
occasion, for he didn't object, just dropped his head to watch me with
eyes
growing more lustful by the second.
Then he began his assault.
"Do you know, there are times I do
feel
like punishing you. And I am glad you proposed the idea
of a penance, because now is one of those times."
I knew that already, but hearing it was rather stirring.
Finding him
wanting enough by that point, resigned to desiring me and leaping at my
touch,
I set a steadier pace, resting my other elbow lightly on his shoulder
where I
could pass my fingertips over his hair and his absolutely impossible
cheekbones. I raised the knee between his legs a fraction
further.
Deliriously pleased he was speaking with me voluntarily--and because I
trust
him entirely, and therefore can blithely talk of penances with him
without
tensing--I walked open-eyed into a bear trap.
"I cannot say that I blame you in the slightest, and am therefore open
to
suggestions."
"Are you?" he drawled. The region around the fresh bruise was
growing rosy-coloured, and I bent my neck to lap at it.
"Well, there
are any number of options to consider. I know you make the
rules, but you
do not make--"
"All of the rules," I agreed, drawing my fingertips over his
brow.
"Precisely. Yes,
there," he added quickly, tightening his grip on my body when I dragged
my
thumb over the tip of him, where he was only beginning to be
wet.
"And so, if we were at home, I might take other measures than
this.
With your permission, of course."
"Of course. The first measure being?"
"Well," he answered, his breath steadily quickening, "first
we would lock the door of the sitting room and go to the sideboard
where that
rather nice French brandy bottle is sitting. There is enough
for two
glasses left in it. We would finish those, I very
much like
that brand."
This was not sounding like much of a chastisement. "So far, I
am
amenable. But I don't quite follow."
"What I need, you see, is the glass stopper, the very elegantly shaped
glass stopper with
the groove and the rounded top. And because I am
feeling charitable
today, I would slick it with oil very nicely, and only require you to
carry it
inside you under your clothing as we go on about our business for
say...an
hour or two, perhaps."
I am proud to report that this suggestion did nothing to alter
the pace of
my hand. I am proud of nothing else, however, within the
realm of
self-control. My eyelids were fluttering quite involuntarily
as I stared
at him, and a sprinkling of sweat appeared at the back of my
neck.
As for controlling my own arousal, the subject may be safely forgotten
at this
point.
"An hour," I repeated. "Or two."
When I repeat something voluntarily, it is only ever for one reason: I
have
been thrown entirely off my balance. Watson peered right into
my face,
still not smiling. Inside, however, I could practically hear
him laughing
uproariously.
"That's what I said, yes." He smiled sweetly, and then looked
down at the motion of my hand again. "And there is one little
errand
I'd require you to run for me in the meanwhile. I
have a great deal
to do, and need to drop something off at the post office.
You'd have to
go in my stead."
"We have a page boy, Watson."
Even in my own ears, the response was less than brilliant.
And rather
weakly voiced, at that.
"I'm aware of his existence, thank you. But I'd really rather
it was
you."
I swallowed, my throat working so hard that he certainly
noticed.
"And then, when I return, the penance is over?"
"Oh, no, not by far. When you return, we lock the sitting
room door
again, and I strip you of all your clothing with the exception of your
shirt
and trousers."
"Why?" There was a quaver of passion running thick through
this
question, I'll not attempt to prevaricate over it.
"Because then I would take you into the bedroom and I'd sit at the edge
of
the bed. I'd unfasten your trousers, and very slowly pull
them
down. I'd do the same with your underclothes. And
then I'd have you
across the bed over my knee, I think, because there are more
activities
than merely the one you're currently performing which can be
accomplished
better with hands alone."
"Do you know, I actually think I'd let you, too, which is--absolutely
astonishing to me." I hid the laugh that I
wasn't sure was
welcome at the edge of his shirt collar. Meanwhile, my cock
was twitching
violently. "That is amazing, but nevertheless a
fact. I'd let
you. Punish me, that is. That shocks me to
no end."
"Why should it shock you? I love you, and you've been
despicable." He was smiling openly by now, I could hear him,
and so
I didn't dare to look up at laughing blue eyes and panting lips
slightly
parted. Vengeance, I had realized by that time, was
delighting him a
great deal. And I couldn't risk ruining it. So I
watched my thumb
press slick and firm over the top of his length again, as I shifted my
pace to
harder strokes which echoed a brightly cadenced Hayden tempo
in my
head. I need not report in further detail that I was
in considerable
distress by this point, in the sexual sense, wishing only that my
clothes were
less well tailored when usually I am quite glad of the fact.
"Are we still dealing with questionable uses for liquor stoppers at
this
point?" I wondered with a tone like walking a tightrope.
"I haven't decided, actually."
"Fair enough. How long?"
"Ten or fifteen minutes, I should think. I'd want all that
lovely
white skin of yours good and pink. And you'd have to ask me
for it,
as I've no desire to go against your wishes
entirely. Yes, I think
an explicit request for some discipline would be in
order. It would
need to be in accordance with your will that I was giving you a proper
warming."
I wasn't at all certain that I had much of a will left by this
point.
"Thank you for your candour, as well as for your
consideration.
You're a very sympathetic sort of fellow."
"Well, I do my best to be."
"And so, I take it that after you've hand-spanked me like an eight year
old to your satisfaction, that would be the...climax of the drama, as
it
were."
"You're forgetting that I'm a doctor. God, yes, like that,"
he breathed,
blindly moving his marvelously calloused hands to my neck.
"Whatever does a medical degree have to do with the
subject at
hand?"
"I'd be required--ah."
Watson dropped his head back, fighting for air. "I cannot do
any
lasting harm."
"But you wouldn't have harmed me in the first
place. That
sort of thing is gone in an hour, I've done it myself a hundred
times.
It's quite safe."
"Yes, I'm aware of your awareness. But the tenets of my
profession
are very strict. So after
the
liquor stopper and the hand-spanking you like a bare-arsed
eight year old, I should be required by code of honour to kiss it all
better."
He opened blueblack eyes to look at me. "For a very, very
long time."
"Mother of God," I
swore, though she didn't have anything whatsoever to do with the
absolutely
shameless, occasionally indulged in, wonderful
thing he was proposing. My head hit the door rather
hard. Someone
outside must have heard it, because Watson called out clearly, "Help me
with this steamer case, will you?" and then a shadow passed by the
crack
above the carpet. I couldn't breathe right, there were stars
in my
vision, my flesh unfortunately was so hard as to be painful by now, and
I
couldn't even beg him for mercy, as I deserved every minute of it.
"You've hit your head," he observed, breathless but very
pleased. "Are you all right?"
"Fine." My voice came out high as a kitten's.
"You're not doing this quite right, you know," he added, his own
voice rusted-over with lust.
I pried my eyes open and glanced down. "I--but it
looks as if I
am."
"No, I need your other hand rather badly, dear heart."
Well, I was delighted to oblige him, and he had just called me dear
heart,
so my life
needn't be over at thirty-seven, which was gratifying, but I
misunderstood
him. I was sliding my free hand down his waist and over his
hip when he
whispered a little not
that and
pulled it back again, raising it to his lips. I
watched him with my jaw gaping open as he pulled my middle and
ring
fingers into his mouth.
That Watson likes my hands, I am well aware. That he likes
them tremendously,
I am
certain. That he likes to kneel on our carpet with me on the
settee and
play with one of them in his mouth for half an hour at a time before I
lose all
patience and drag him off to bed, I can recall with perfect
clarity. But
the idea that he would be wicked enough to suck on one of them finger
by long
finger, moaning slightly as he pulled the longest into
the shaft of his
very talented throat, with no relief whatever on the
horizon on my part...that
sort of deviousness had not yet occurred to me.
My fingertips are almost as sensitive as my groin. I felt
wetness and
life and veins and the most heady sense of speech,
yes, yes, this is where he speaks to you, this is
where it emerges sounding like polished beechwood and thick coffee and
I let out a string of choked expletives, and I know a great
many. These
were in French, and a few in German, because German--though
unmusical--is the
most expressive of all languages. Meanwhile, between
my friend
fellating my hand and the images that were still dancing in front of my
closed
eyelids, I rather lost track of what I was doing.
Fortunately, Watson did
not. Several seconds later, he'd whipped a kerchief from his
pocket and
covered my fist with his own, shaking in a few sharp bursts and biting
down a
yell on my knuckles as damp spilled over my hand.
I didn't begrudge him the bite. The bite was most
useful. It helped
me wrench my eyes open and see him with his cheeks gorgeously flushed
and his
head tipped back, strong neck gasping for oxygen and my fingers slowly
trailing
out of his mouth. And then I lost several seconds, because I
couldn't
think anymore. Watson was all right, he was steady and the
aftershocks
were over, he was fine, and so I turned around and
collapsed face-up
along the entire length of the seat. My knee flopped
against the
back, and my arm fell over my eyes.
This,
I thought,
is the
erection of your
entire life. What a waste.
Long seconds passed. Terrible, deeply
amusing seconds that felt like
hours. It seemed criminal not to make any use of a particular
portion of
my anatomy just then, like shutting a Strad away in a glass case
forevermore,
or facing a Rembrandt against the wall, but what could I do?
Meanwhile, I
wondered if anyone had ever conducted a medical study in which a man
died of
blood loss to his brain due to unjustified hubris and having his
fingers
worshiped with a born hedonist's tongue. In the midst of
that hilarious but very sharply focused agony, I felt someone
move to
hover over me. I opened my eyes a slit. Watson was
kneeling in front
of the seat on the floor, trying very nearly as hard as I was not to
laugh, but
less able to disguise the fact than I am. He slid one hand
over my belly
and the other into my hair.
"Nearly halfway to Croydon," he sang sweetly to me. "And
how are you?"
"I'll keep," I managed. "You're touching me."
"Yes," he said innocently. "You don't generally
mind."
"I'm not generally
in a state of arousal bordering on a medical
abnormality with absolutely no relief in sight." I allowed a
small
smile to cross my lips.
"It's true, I've never seen you like this before," he allowed
contentedly, rubbing his hand over my clothed stomach in a way that
ought to
have been soothing and...most decidedly was not. "Your irises
have
all but disappeared, for example, and I must admit it's very
dashing. But
at any rate, I thank you for your efforts. That was really
not an
unpleasant way to pass the last ten minutes."
"Delighted to hear it."
"Why are your eyelids quivering?"
"You," I hissed in reply. "You. That is the short
answer."
"And the long?"
"You,"
I repeated with an effort, "are still touching
me."
"That was not a very long answer after all. Did you know that
you're
breathing through your mouth and not your nose? Why should
that be, I
wonder?"
"God damn it, Doctor, if you don't let me alone this instant, you will
be
directly responsible for a heart attack, and as we've already
discussed, primum
non nocere, if I'm not
mistaken."
"Very true. Suppose I told you I wouldn't mind if you found
you had
to...excuse yourself from the compartment for a few minutes?"
"I am a gentleman of my word and will do nothing of the kind.
You've
won, all right? You take the prize. Step away
from your
consulting detective."
"Why is your neck flushing so when you haven't even been--"
"Sod it all, darling, get your hands off me!" I ordered desperately,
laughing in earnest because I had absolutely no choice in the matter.
"If that's what you want," he grinned in return. "But I
must first make certain you're in no medical danger."
When he pulled open my trouser front, I am not ashamed to admit that it
required biting my lip so hard I felt a starburst of pain to keep from
making
any sound. John Watson, meanwhile, only stared with an air of
professional interest at what he'd revealed. I could take
about five
seconds of that without objecting, and no more.
"Jesus Christ, John, you've had your fun," I said none too
steadily.
"That is one of the most impressive things I've ever seen in my
life. Speaking as a doctor, of course."
"Of course. Thank you."
"Not that I fail to appreciate it under more usual
circumstances. I
do. I mean only to observe that it is excelling itself, when
it generally
gives exceptional service."
"It has been said to possess a certain natural flair, I
warrant you,
for which you can direct your appreciation to either
"Your concept of the quality of mercy is very ungenerous," my
friend remarked just before lowering his face with his lips parted.
When a fellow takes you in his mouth in that fashion, all at once to
the utter
limit and no lead-in save raw desire, I have learned--thanks entirely
to that
afternoon, come to think of it--that it is best not to be in a public
venue. As it happened, the train braked with a very
convenient shriek of
metal at the same time I bit down on my entire forearm, tasting dust
and finely
woven linen amidst the muffled cry. Stopping with a slow drag
of his
lips, my friend looked back at me.
"You're welcome," he said pleasantly. "But it isn't only
for you. Knowing me as you do, you don't suppose I could
fellate you in a
private train compartment and not enjoy it in the slightest, do you?"
"For the love of Heaven," I panted. "Keep enjoying it,
then. Please."
"I will, thank you. You're rather irresistible like th--"
"Bloody hell, you'll be the
death of me," I gasped out.
I didn't have time to say anything more after that. The
Doctor stifled a
warm laugh and bent down to finish what he'd started.
I tangled my fingers in his hair, curious in the only surviving portion
of my
brain whether this was going to take less than five movements
of my
friend's lips and throat, or between five and ten. I
honestly cannot
recall the answer to the aforementioned question, however, for ten or
fifteen
seconds later he sent his fingertips between my open lips and I felt a
ferociously happy ache suddenly leaving my hipbones. I was
dying, just a
little, and his mouth was sweet and warm. My remaining vision
went
white, erased by paroxysm, and my bones came
unmoored. The
train went away, the steady sound of the wheels and the intermittent
hiss and
scream of the brakes, and I could have sworn that the sound of thunder
replaced
them. In a few more minutes I realized that was because a
thunderstorm
had indeed broken, but had it been the rush of pure thick pleasure
alone, I'd
not have been half surprised.
Afterward, I lay there. Quite paralyzed. Dizzy and
in love and
happily stunned.
"Your eyelids have stopped twitching," I heard my friend saying
several long moments later as his hand set my trousers to rights.
I opened my mouth to say have
they? Nothing was
functioning at
quite that level yet, however.
Then the Doctor slowly, tenderly kissed me.
There I was lingering in his mouth, only a trace of myself but enough
to spur
the thought He has forgiven me
so many times by now. How many is
it? Is it because he knows I will never make it up to him
that he never
allows me to try? And
then I thought nothing but only slid my tongue
over his, drunk with a mixture of gratitude and a tiny kernel of
self-satisfaction.
I'll keep trying,
I thought as he pulled away, opening my eyes to see
his face above mine with his lips blushed and slick. He'll
forgive me
everything too quickly, and he'll stop me before I make it up to him,
but that
is the benefit in being mechanical. I am built for one
purpose. And
I'll keep trying.
Watson was gazing at me so intently, and from three inches away, that
it was
ironic for a moment when he inquired, "What on earth are you staring so
ravenously at? You have been privy to this view for ages."
"You're glowing," I breathed, mystified.
And it was raining. I could hear it, the happy patter I like
so well and
that calms my brain so wonderfully, drumming against the roof of the
train. Everything on earth, for a single moment, was
wonderful.
"Odd," he whispered, his lips and the soft brush of his moustache
traveling across my cheek. "I never thought of myself as
luminous."
He was. He was a lighthouse without whom I would long since
have cracked
to bits against the shoreline. How much simpler it would all
have been if
he were a lighthouse in fact, I thought, and I a hollow-boned traveler
much too
small to ever harm him as I had half an hour before.
"I wish I were a bird, circling round you."
"What?" he said with a smile. "That was too soft for me to
catch."
Pausing, I thought back over the conversation and rather predictably
heard Je
voudrais etre un oiseau qui tourne autour de toi.
That was always
marginally embarrassing, for all I couldn't help it. At least
the tic
allows me to rephrase ridiculous endearments so as to make some
sense.
And while Watson hasn't managed to spend nearly a decade in my
company
without picking up an admirable modicum of French, he's very shy about
speaking
it to me, and I myself have to state things clear for him to follow
them
perfectly, because I speak it Parisian-fashion and absurdly
quickly.
So I switched back to the Queen's English.
"You're my one fixed point," I told him
instead.
"Everything else is the wine-red sea."
"I'm not so steady as all that, though." Thinking a moment, a
wistful expression crossed his eyes like ragged clouds dragging across
the
sunlight. "You know that by this time. I very much
wish I
could be, for your sake, but I'm not. Do you know why I was
so
angry with you, just now?"
"You're not angry with me," I drawled in positively schoolboyish
triumph, pulling my index finger down his cheek. "You aren't,
you
aren't. Ha! You said was,
and
so you no longer are.
You've forgiven me. You have,
look
at you. Kiss me again at once. Kiss me until the
train stops."
"I was angry because at times," he continued steadily, "I don't
know that I have any secrets from you until you tell them to
me. But by
that point...the secret is ruined, isn't it?"
He had a pained look about the space above his nose, intermingled with
a
baffled sort of fondness. It was a vivid glimpse into what
living with me
must surely be like, and the eeriest part was how familiar it seemed,
though I
had never heard it before. I have to live with myself, after
all, and
that existence has been very tempestuous. There are no
secrets from
me. There are only things whispered, things spoken aloud,
things
screamed, and things echoed unawares. No silences.
There are not
ever, never are there, never shall there be, any silences. My
inability
to predict what John Watson would do next, my ardent incomprehension of
him,
would never protect him from all that howling din. I knew his
mind before
he did. I knew every fold and cell and secret. It
did not matter
that I failed to understand them all--that didn't shield him in the
slightest.
I simply hadn't realized it before that afternoon.
"Poor fellow," I said softly, my eyes shutting, wishing I were anyone
else in the world. "It wouldn't be the first thing I've
ruined."
"No, no. Oh, don't take it that way." My friend's
breath
hovered closer, over the delicate skin of my closed eyelids.
"Come
back, come back. You ruined me for anyone else.
That was the very
first thing you ruined. Now, kiss me again,
at once. Kiss
me until the train stops."
An
entire shower of
rain fell while we were in the train, and the heat was far less
oppressive in
Croydon than in town. I'd sent on a wire so that Lestrade, as
wiry, as
dapper, as dull, as brown-tweeded, and as ferret-like as ever, was
waiting for
us at the station. A walk of five minutes took us to
"I'm glad the pair of you are here," Lestrade said quietly.
"This is a bad business, and one I think you'll recognize."
Miss Cushing, I ought to say, had been sent a pair of freshly severed
human
ears. I'll grant it was an unusual circumstance, but
unfortunately it was not an unprecedented one.
"Whatever has this spinster done to irk the Professor?" I wondered,
half to myself.
For the man was ruthless, and had a standing army of equally ruthless
characters ready to carry out any ghastly act he could
conceive. One of
them, and a favourite choice of theirs when the gang had been crossed,
was to
murder their victim in cold blood and then to send the ears to either
the
offending party or the next of kin. Depending upon whether
they thought
it more effective to murder a key player or the loved one of such,
whether they
could find anyone who mattered more to the supposed
traitor than the
person's own life.
There is a reason I meant to rid
"I can't imagine, but this time there may have been some mistake,"
Lestrade answered. "Just through here, gentlemen, and we'll
get to
the bottom of it all."
Miss Cushing was sitting in the front room. "They are in the
outhouse, those dreadful things," she said to Inspector Lestrade as we
entered. "I wish you would take them away altogether."
"So I shall, Miss Cushing. I only kept them here until my
friend, Mr.
Holmes, should have seen them in your presence."
"Why in my presence, sir?"
"In case he wished to ask any questions."
"What is the use of asking me questions when I tell you I know nothing
whatever about it?"
"Quite so, madam," I said, placating her. I exchanged a glace
with Lestrade. Clearly the woman was not lying, and just as
clearly, some
mistake had been made about the business. Her words were not
those of a
lady living in fear of her life, not a bit of it. The
Inspector raised an
eyebrow with his arms crossed, agreeing with me. So we wasted
no more
time with Miss Cushing, but went all three of us to the small shed in
the
narrow garden where the ears resided in their cardboard box.
"Ready to determine who precisely is dead this time?" Inspector
Lestrade sighed.
He went in and brought the object out, with a piece of brown
paper and
some string. There was a bench at the end of the path, and we
all sat
down while I examined, one by one, the articles he had handed
me. I held
the string up to my nose.
"This string is exceedingly interesting," I remarked.
Then--because I actually did suspect he could manage it, on my honour I
did--I
passed it over. "What do you make of this string, Lestrade?"
"It has been tarred."
"Yes," I drawled, "and?"
"And nothing. It is a tarred piece of string."
I winced. "Has it been cut with scissors, perhaps?
Would it
having been cut with scissors be of any importance to us?"
"I cannot see the importance."
"No, I suppose it was rather optimistic of me to think that you
could. Watson?"
He peered at it. "Well, it's having been cut has
left
the knot
intact."
"Bravo, my dear boy," I said pleasantly. I will admit it,
there
is a thrill involved each and every time, calling him mine
in public. I'd
just done it two seconds ago, and already I wanted to do it
again.
Realizing that I was probably beaming at Watson in a rather ardent
fashion just
then, my eyes shifted back to Lestrade. But he wasn't looking
at us
suddenly, brushing something off his coat sleeve, which was a lucky
coincidence.
"This knot is of a peculiar character," I mused.
I rattled off a string of other deductions, my voice high and
quick--the smell
of coffee, initial misspelling of Croydon,
handwriting, salt, et cetera. Seeing Watson in the corner of
my eye all
the while. He really had forgiven me. There was
nothing but
admiration lurking under the blue now. I then moved
on to the main
event.
"Oh, God," I exclaimed in stark horror when I saw
them.
Two ears fresh cut, and each an abomination.
"Yes, I know," said Lestrade tiredly. "I had hoped that it
was one murder victim as well. But you have observed, of
course, that the
ears are not a pair."
"Lestrade, do at least try, for the sake of my nerves if nothing
else, to open your eyes to other details than that
which
would be utterly obvious to a child of three, and a very slow
child at
that. This is Alec
Fairbairn's
ear."
"Good God," Watson muttered, passing his hand over his eyes.
Alec Fairbairn, Heaven rest him, had agreed to serve as a witness at
the
upcoming trial of James Moriarty and his amoral cohorts. Not
any longer,
apparently. We were closing our nets ever tighter, but actual
witnesses,
either of the crimes themselves or defectors from the
Professor's organization, were
very few and far between. That is because they had no desire
to be
killed, and then to have their ears shipped by post to their loved
ones.
And Alec Fairbairn's ear had been sunburned, discoloured, pierced, with
a
little nautical earring of red coral through it. I'd
know it
anywhere. It was the one I was looking at now.
Lestrade groaned. "Damn it all to hell, we needed--"
"We needed Alec Fairbairn," I snapped. "I know. I know.
For the love
of Christ,
will
you say something other than the obvious?"
"Holmes," Watson interrupted me, with a comforting hand on my
arm. "Of all the people on earth, it isn't Lestrade's
fault.
It isn't your fault either. All right? Where did
Alec Fairbairn
reside?"
"He was staying for the moment in
Silently, badly shaken though I certainly wasn't showing it, I took the
other
ear out of the box. It was shaped ominously like Miss
Cushing's, with a
shortened pinna, a broad curve of the upper lobe, and a convolution of
the
inner cartilage. In all essentials, it was the same ear.
"I was talking with Alec Fairbairn just the other day, after he gave
his
initial report at the Yard," Watson said with an enormous depth of
quiet
sadness. "It was while we were waiting for the pair of you to
finish
consulting with the solicitor. He was engaged to be married,
you
know. He told me all about her. Her name was Mary,
I believe, but
he never mentioned her surname."
"It was Cushing," I said dully. "It must have been.
Just look at the thing."
I dropped the box at my feet. Really, I just let it slip
through my
fingers, unable to hold it any longer. The three of us sat
there, knee to
knee, wholly awed by the maliciousness of the world. I rubbed
my hand
over my face. It was the quickest-solved crime in the history
of the
world, and I could derive no pleasure from the fact.
Watson reached into his thin jacket and pulled three cigarettes out of
his
case. It is something that the three of us do
together--cigarettes are
communal property, a pipe passed by a thoughtful native Indian from
hand to
hand in a circle. My friend began to light them one
by one, passing
them down. And because I was by that time vaguely sorry I'd
snapped at
the Inspector for no reason other than my own frustration, I passed the
first
to him instead of taking it for myself. He nodded as I held
it out with
two fingers. Taking the next from Watson, I leaned back
against the wall
behind the bench with my friends at my elbows, wondering what had given
Alec
Fairbairn away and whether or not it might conceivably have been my
fault. Watson's knee knocked quite hard against mine a second
later, and
I turned to see his eyes on my face.
Stop it,
they
ordered, his lips pressed together firmly.
I tried to comply. And he was right. It doesn't do,
in a battle, to
dwell on casualties.
"Why should he have killed her too?" Lestrade asked a few minutes
later in a furious, wavering voice. "It's
monstrous.
Fairbairn, that's a matter of war, but you don't kill women in a war."
"Sometimes you do, if you're low enough," Watson said with a
barely perceivable shudder.
"Well, that sort ought to be lined up and shot, for my money."
I liked Lestrade very much suddenly and dropped a hand to his narrow
shoulder,
pressing it.
"I'll have him," I swore. "On my honour, I'll have
him. Mark my words, Lestrade, I will take these curs down
with my bare
hands if I have to. I'll have him."
"You will. And we will help you," Watson added flatly.
"You will," Lestrade agreed, standing up and retrieving the box,
which had spilled a bit of salt on the ground. Terrible luck,
that, but I
paid it no mind because I suppose myself a man of logic. I am
only
correct about seventy percent of the time, however, and I ought to have
known I
needed all the luck I could get. "It's just about the only
thing
that gets me to sleep at nights. God knows thinking
over Patterson's most recent bout of
hysterics isn't
much of a comfort day to day. Thank you for
coming,
gentlemen. I'll be in touch."
Lestrade went inside to tell Miss Cushing that a mad thug--with no
known
address, whose face we had never seen, and who left behind him no
witnesses--had in all likelihood murdered her sister. I sat
on the bench
with Watson still, cursing the loss of Alec Fairbairn and a girl who
probably
never did the world any harm.
"I understand that you're low about this,"
Watson said
kindly, "but he knew the risk."
"She
didn't."
"I know. We'll avenge them both, my dear fellow. As
you said,
we'll have them. The sooner the better."
"God help us, so we will."
I couldn't take his hand just then, but I rested my own on my knee and
then
touched it against his. It wasn't as good. But it
almost was.
It was something.
"It's rather wonderful, you know," he added with a strange little
smile.
"What about this is even remotely wonderful?" I demanded, at a
complete loss.
"Watching you be amazing." He stood up. "Take me
back to
"The rain it raineth every day, my good man."
"Up. Come along with you."
I went. He has me on an invisible leash, and I haven't even
the strength
to be ashamed of it. We walked to the station arm in arm
through the
newly dampened mud.
"Watson," I said on the train platform back to
"Holmes," said he.
"I have no wish to offend you ever again," I said slowly.
My friend started laughing.
"And yet..." I added.
He laughed still harder, lifting his hat slightly so he could run his
fingers
through his hair. He was so beautiful that day. I
love to think on
it.
"I rather outdid myself earlier, did I not?" he grinned, glancing at
me shyly.
"You did indeed."
"But you've already paid for your crime of this morning."
"It's a decided shame, but all too true."
"I don't know what to tell you." Then Watson tilted his head
and pretended to think briefly. It was a very charming angle,
one that said,
one moment, I am on to
something. "You know,
you were rather
needlessly rude to Lestrade earlier."
I snapped my fingers eagerly. "I was!
And Watson, I am often
needlessly rude to Lestrade. I do try my best to use every
man as he
deserves, and Lestrade simply irritates me so profoundly that I use him
much
worse. It's appalling. I don't think it can be
countenanced any
longer. What are you going to do about it?"
"We ought to try to mend your behavior somehow," he agreed, chest
shaking with suppressed laughter.
"I cannot agree more. I have one question, however."
"What is that?"
"Do you really have an errand at the post office?"
"I really do," he gasped, helpless with mirth, the sunlight clean and
bright on his face.
And he did, too. More's the pity. I do reside
in
Were we not happy? Were we not beautifully, achingly
happy? Did we
not love each other out of all proportion, and were we not wildly out
of all
control, and were we not splendid at it? Were we not made to
navigate a
love that turned a pair of matched addicts into dry-eyed madmen, ever
seeking
out the next fix of the other? Were we not enough, and yet
never
enough? Wasn't it a lucky thing that we both knew so well how
to navigate
the deadly rapids of compulsion?
I am older now, so much older. I am very, very old
indeed. And
thinking about that day, and what happened next, still awes
me. We were
both so ruined and so fragile and desperate. I with my
darkness and my
drugs, he with his memories and his wounds. But when we were
together, we
were champions. I am nearly seventy years
old now, and just
beginning to fathom what happened to us.
Were we not miraculous? Were we not right?
And I had already made the worst enemy that any man
has ever known.
It began in earnest two days later.
Watson and I were walking from Picadilly towards the Yard, not caring
much
about distance or time, the sunlight pale and crisp on our
faces and the
heat faded to a manageable summer's embrace. I was turning
back to him,
having just neatly avoided tripping over a length of coiled rope in the
middle
of the pavement, a question on my lips. In retrospect, I
think I had
wanted to ask him whether we were meeting with Patterson or Lestrade,
for I
hadn't bothered to read the telegram. I'm not
certain.
It all happened so quickly.
One second, my head was twisting in reverse to address my
friend. And
then a shoulder jostled me. Another did the same, and then
another.
None of it seeming deliberate, but each instance moved me sideways and
a little
forwards. I registered a Punch and Judy show with a wild
crowd of
children surrounding it, and then a tree with a fence round its trunk,
and then
workmen offloading hay into a hostelry, and then I can hardly explain
what took
place. I was the eye of a small storm, being carried on its
whims God
knew where.
I was pushed, literally pushed,
by a governess with two charges. I
was shoved to the side by a carman. None of it
could directly be
termed rudeness, for they all seemed to be avoiding their own minor
pedestrian
calamities, so I hadn't even the intelligence to shout at anyone, or to
fight,
for I was trapped in a tide pool. It swirled around me,
growing deeper by
the instant. And what could I have done? Flailed
out with a heavy
walking stick at complete strangers who seemed to be themselves hassled
by
invisible forces? And so very many of them--a lab technician,
a
stevedore, a stockbroker, a clerk, a street cleaner, a nurse, a lady in
a
feathered hat, her drab companion.
And then, to my very great surprise, I was alone. In the
center of the
road. With a vehicle careening towards me, horses foaming
spittle over
their bits, hooves flying ever closer to my head.
It was feet from me. Everyone else had disappeared.
I was a dead
man, I thought, with a twist in my brain which said what
a painfully dull
way to meet your demise this is.
Then something made of flesh and bone hit my torso with the weight of a
full
grown man, and I was knocked to the cobbles. The two-horse
van screamed
by, the driver cursing.
Hoof beats. Wheels
shrieking. Stones. Feet pounding
against stones. The crack of a whip.
I sat up, gasping. I'd landed with my arm thrown against a
fire plug, the
wind knocked out of me completely. What a vexing thing it is
that getting
the wind knocked out of you is not a manageable circumstance.
Not a man
in the world can control that particular situation. My
diaphragm had
taken over completely when I wanted my brain at the helm, and I cursed
myself
for it. I needed to breathe, breathe now,
needed to think.
Professor Moriarty had just tried to murder me.
And at the very minimum, I surmised as I wheezed into my dirty palms,
trying to
get my lungs back under my jurisdiction, thirty
people had been
involved. I knew it. I'd done that sort of thing
myself in a quite
different context, to Irene Alder. Staging a street scene is
no easy
trick.
Thirty-six
people,
I amended, closing my eyes. Exactly
thirty-six. Dear God.
Where was Watson? He'd saved me. He'd thrown
himself into the
street, and here I was, alive. Where was he? He'd
not have landed
far from me. I looked about for him, triumph on my face,
because I was
alive and he had managed it. I was joyous, gloating over his
audacity,
his speed, and I--
I saw him.
There is a perfect system by which I can remain calm when every
instinct in my
body is shrieking. It is a very simple one, and
yet one I need
not use often. I am such an oddly constructed creature, and
have been
forced to learn to master myself so completely, that horrors along the
lines of
gunfights and snakes trailing along bell-pulls and hounds whose jowls
have been
dipped in phosphorus don't much trouble me. Adventures of
that sort can be
dealt with more or less automatically, the adrenaline channeled into
speed and
agility, with never much thought of creeping
fear. This
skill makes me look cold, I know, but it makes me effective,
and anyway I am cold,
and anyway I
can't help it. It would be a lie to say I'm not frightened of
anything. It would equally be a lie to say that keeping my
head is
difficult for me.
But every once in a while--and this occasion qualified with shining
colours--I
can only keep stoic because of my flawless system, which can be
summarized in
six one-syllable words:
He needs
you to be calm.
Watson had hit his temple on the kerb, so much I could see,
and his face
was white and morbidly motionless. I struggled to my feet,
and then,
recovering myself rather better, I slid gracefully over to him, where
he lay on
his side in the straw and the bits of old newspaper, practically under
a
stopped cart filled with flour bags. It wasn't that I thought
he was
dead, not even then. I myself was dazed from being knocked so
hard to the
ground, but I am a master of deductive reasoning and before I even
checked his
pulse, I could see his chest moving. He was stunned,
that was all,
and had given himself a good knock to the head. Worse had
happened to
both of us dozens of times.
And yet, that image--his cheek to the ground while
passersby above us
stopped to gape and chatter--guided every single one of my later
actions.
Without perceivable exception.
I knelt down with my knees a bit apart, carefully pulling him up into
the curve
of my left arm so I was half holding him. There.
Yes, he was
breathing, and not with any difficulty either.
"Watson," I tried. "All right, old fellow?"
If I had wondered whether he was unconscious or merely disoriented, I
had my
answer. Gently, I undid the knot of his cravat one-handed, a
trick learnt
initially to be practiced in another sort of situation altogether, I
admit
it. I pulled it off. I checked the pulse at his
neck.
"That were a regular demon of a runaway carriage," a youth offered in
helpful Cockney. A little crowd was developing behind him,
shaking their
fists at errant cabmen and devilish omnibus drivers. "A right
demon,
and it were headed straight as an arrow for your 'ead, sir."
"Rouse yourself, Watson. You've become a hero to the
masses." Looking up, I winked at the boy, holding a sack of
apples,
and he grinned. "Run for a doctor, lad, and there's money in
it for
you."
"Yes, sir!"
"Is the good gentleman breathing?" a young woman asked who looked as
if she very much wanted to faint, and thus divert some attention to her
own
noble person, and its curvaceous attributes.
"He's fine. My dear boy, you are alarming the ladies."
He was breathing, his pulse was steady, why
wasn't this working?
Yanking out my handkerchief, I pressed
it to the side of his head very softly. It was only an inch
where the
skin was split, but head wounds bleed in a ridiculous fashion, and it
was all
over my left coat sleeve by that time. Rethinking, I
folded the
cloth in quarters against his waistcoat, and then applied a
bit more
force. He flinched, but not in his face--in his fingers,
which twitched
and then went still. What did that mean? Why were
his nerves
disordered? What part of his wonderfully curious and
perceptive mind had
been bruised within his skull, which particular piece
of him had been
taken away from the both of us?
He.
Needs.
You. To. Be. Calm.
"Doctor," I called softly. "I am rather in need of your
medical advice just now."
Nothing. I pressed the cloth to the wound again, and this
time his hands
didn't even spasm, not for a moment. I pulled him up a bit
further into
my lap, wondering how quick a study the apple boy was at finding
physicians.
"Dashed if that chap didn't save your life!"
I looked up, but only for an instant. Banker,
gambles on dogfights when his wife gives him trouble, generally wins,
uses the
money to give her a spree.
"I've never seen the likes of it, never! He ought to be given
a
medal. Cool as you please, what? Wouldn't surprise
me if he was a
military sort of bloke, running into the path of a spooked horse like
that."
"He is," I said.
"What, do you know each other?"
I gritted my teeth.
He needs
to speak to you,
my brain said, he needs
to
open his eyes and speak to you right this very instant.
If we
were at home, and the doors were closed, and for some ghastly reason he
had
hurt himself in this fashion, I could be much more effective, I
thought.
I could say anything I liked. I could do anything I
liked. But we
were in a public road, not at home, and he was already more or less in
my arms,
and there are sodomy laws in
"I say, do you know
each other?" the banker insisted.
"Yes, we work together," I said at last, a sick feeling growing in
the pit of my stomach. Trusting the dampening cloth to stay
on his
temple, I tugged at one of his eyelids with my thumb. Blank,
uncomprehending blue. The other was the same, and
his pupils were matched
but oddly wide. What did that mean? Which segment
of his mind had
been jarred so badly that he couldn't see me when his eyes were
open?
Brains are delicate things, not to be tampered with. What
part was
missing that meant the whole of him could make me no response?
"Well, then, ought we to call for anyone? I mean to
say, he may want us to call for someone,
yes? I'd happily be of
some use and contact his family. His wife, perhaps?"
"No, he--"
I was shocked that I stopped, but I did. I blinked, furious
with myself.
Do it,
Sherlock Holmes,
he's only a mindless twit of a banker you'll never see
again. Say it
like you mean it.
"He isn't married," I finished easily.
Which was a lie of the most earth-shattering depth of
proportions. He
has been married in spirit since a little over six
months after we
first slept together.
Such a thing had never happened to me before, in any polite, casual
conversation. It felt like snapping my violin bow in
half, but I
said it. I found my own reaction bizarre. It felt
like nothing I
had ever felt before. I think very possibly it felt like a
forced
conversion, or recanting the sordid suggestion that the earth went
round the
sun while standing in chains before the Inquisition. It was
also a wholly
inconvenient time for such
quibbles.
Why should I care about such a
trifle? Why, when he was senseless on
the cobblestones?
I've an answer, now. Because I am a very dull-witted sort,
when all is
said and done.
"Career military then, eh? Alone in the world?"
"Not precisely. Watson, you're beginning to worry me, my good
man. Come, now. Watson."
If I call
him John, will
anyone notice?
I mused as the panic started clawing at my
back. This
ghastly worm of a banker, for instance. Is that the
sort of thing he
would notice?
Names are a rather peculiar subject. For a brief instant, let
us take
Lestrade as an example: there is a new officer of the Yard who tends to
follow
us about, one I suspect may actually be rather bright, but who shows
alarming
levels of hero-worship when in my company. Lestrade--who has
never once
in his life failed to give me my title, nor to give Watson his--calls
the poor
pup
I hated
"John, wake up," I pleaded quietly. "Please."
And why was I doing it? That really was the moment when all
logic
abandoned me. How very selfish I was being, and how very,
very wrong the
world was. I wanted so badly to...the list ran
from burying my face
in his hair to telling him that wheresoever he was, I was here,
and
he must come back. Meanwhile,
what an imbecile
I was being. It isn't
dangerous to be rendered unconscious without having a concussion, and
it isn't
necessary that a man knocked cold respond to you within five
minutes.
That was only something I needed. And I could have needed it
all I liked
at home, however insanely, but I'd forgotten I was in an open street,
apparently.
Not a forgivable offense, under our circumstances. Not on the
sodomy
front, and not on the James Moriarty front either.
Here is what I ought to have done, and what might well have
saved us considerable trouble: I ought to
have expressed some
concern for the man who had saved me, who was known by
Moriarty's gang to
be a friend of mine, made certain he was all right
if not yet conscious,
and then stood with the crowd on the street corner waiting for medical
help,
grousing about the hazards of public transit. Or else bundled
him into a
cab and taken him to
"I 'ave him, sir!" came a screaming announcement from my
left.
"Here he is, ready as you please to do some doctoring!"
A doctor of about fifty-five wearing a black morning coat despite
the mild
weather knelt down beside me, opening his bag.
"I don't think he has a concussion," I reported coolly.
"His pupils are even, and as for his other vital signs, they're all
quite
normal. As you can see, though, he took a very solid blow to
the
head."
"Then you've done all you could, and we'll have him awake in no
time," the doctor nodded. "You have him steady enough
there. Try not to lose your grip on him."
As the physician, who really did mean well, pulled out a vial of
smelling
salts, it occurred to me to tell him that the day I lost my grip on
John Watson
would be the same day I ended at the bottom of the Thames, but it
was actually none of his business. So I held my
tongue. He
waved the little glass container about under my friend's nose for an
instant
and it hit my highly sensitive olfactory organ at the same time,
causing me to
blink rapidly.
Watson's lids fluttered. He flinched a bit, feeling the pain
in his
head. Flinched in his eye muscles and his jawline.
Not in his
fingers. The way anyone would flinch, while awake.
Then his eyes
flew fully open with a start. He saw me soon enough,
focusing with
an effort, and the muscles in his back I hadn't even noticed
were tense
before relaxed ever so slightly. He opened his lips.
"No, no, steady on, my dear fellow," I interrupted.
"You're all right. You decided to come between me and a
runaway
carriage."
"Did I?" he asked, struggling to sit up. I let him.
It
was better that way, anyhow.
"It's more than possible I'm only speaking to you because you did," I
answered.
I couldn't touch him when I said it, either. I can't find a
metaphor for
that. Nor a word. Every good,
forbidden thing compounded a
thousand times into necessary,
impossible.
Watson breathed deeply a few times, trying to get
his bearings back.
"That's a relief, then, that I...I seem to have been successful."
I couldn't look at that Doctor anymore. Not without violating
his needing
me calm.
"Thank you," I said to the other doctor, the older one, pressing
money into his hand. The street urchin stepped up obediently
and I gave
him the same amount, which raised the physician's eyebrows and caused
the boy
to run off with a holler of triumph.
"He's all right!" the fluttery young lady cried, and the crowd broke
into scattered clapping as it began to disburse.
"Fine stock, that," the banker announced as he tipped his hat to
me. "A model British citizen. You'll be all right
getting him
to his home? He'll be seen to?"
I set it here officially: the most utterly useless
man
in Earth's history. At
times, even still, I should like to seek him out and tell him
so.
"Oh, quite. He has a mistress there who rather dotes on
him.
All is well, good sir."
The banker was rather shocked by that remark. Or at least,
his eyebrows
were. But then he shrugged, and smiled at me, and tipped his
hat again,
and walked off into the crowd. I wondered whether it was a
valid emotion
to want to punch the poor man in the jaw. But everyone was
leaving now,
with nothing left to stare at, so it didn't much matter.
"My God, what a horrible spectacle I'm making," Watson
muttered. He dabbed the cloth gingerly at his
temple. "Does
this need stitches?"
"Two or three."
"Then you can manage it, can't you?"
"Of course."
"Why did you just brag to that chap about my conquests?"
"I honestly don't know. Watson, I have a feeling we need to
depart
the scene of the...accident."
I helped him to stand. It made him dizzy, so I kept my grip
on his arm,
brushing straw off his suit gently. Looking around me, I saw
that
everything had returned to normal. As if nothing untoward or
indeed
life-threatening had ever happened. Seeing another cab coming
down the
street, I whistled for it. We were not going to the Yard in
that
condition, not on Lestrade's or Patterson's life, not until I had
cleaned off
my spouse's head, was rather less gory-looking myself, and had managed
to think
through the situation. I'd wire them. They could
wait. Watson
needed three stitches, probably, not two, and--
"Oh, I see," he said. "My mistress. Yes, of
course."
"What?"
"I gave you a fright, didn't I? I'm sorry."
Handing him up into the cab, I followed, and banged the door flap shut
rather
harder than I'd meant to after calling our address up to the driver.
"You did. Apology accepted. Watson?"
"Hmm?"
"Has anyone ever asked you if you were married?"
Watson blinked, adjusted the cloth on his head, and then glanced over
at
me. "Yes, of course. Colleagues,
generally. Men at the
club, men at the Yard, female clients. Why?" A
smile
appeared. "No one ever asks you that, do they?
You're too
extraordinary for them to even pose the question. That's
marvelous, I
never realized that strangers never question you on the same topic."
Of course they don't. They don't suppose any human being
could bear me
for the requisite length of time. So I scoffed at him,
feeling at once
the luxury involved in scoffing at John Watson. Who was fine,
would be
fine, and wasn't even slurring his words or proving clumsy with his
motor
control or failing to tease me. He'd
be fine.
"Naturally I ought to have deduced that, when your many obvious charms
are
taken into account, it would be for you a much more popular
question. What do you tell them?"
"That my life is just as I want it, my career very important, and that
I
am as married as I ever wish to be."
It was well done. Married
as I ever wish to be.
I liked it tremendously. Watson
is much cleverer than I am, on occasion. I don't begrudge him
the
victories, rather enjoy them, in fact. I felt a bit better,
and the
colour was coming back into his face, and I could sense that mine was
probably
matching him, for I felt far less fragile and panicked and
unfocused. Married
as I ever wish to be.
A very good job, all round. I contented myself with
it. I set about
purposefully contenting myself as we rattled home. Lies need
not peel the
skin off one's shoulders after all, I thought.
"That doesn't meant I shouldn't prefer to say yes,"
my friend added quietly, looking
out the opposite window.
That very afternoon, James Moriarty appeared in our parlour.
Watson was upstairs, sleeping in his quieter bedroom, after having
vowed to me
three times that he hadn't a concussion and that all he needed was a
good brief
sleep of an hour or two and a strong headache
powder. Naturally, I'd
no wish to deny him either one, so long as they were safe.
We'd visit the
Yard when he was rested. So I'd let him wander off to
recover, his head
neatly dressed, and switched my bloodied coat with a thin dressing
gown, and
then our door opened and Professor Moriarty stood before me.
My nerves are fairly proof, but I must confess to a start to see him
standing
there on my threshold. He was extremely tall and thin, his
forehead domed
out in a white curve, and his two eyes were deeply sunken in his
head.
Underneath his air of being clean-shaven and aesthetic-looking, he gave
every
impression of lurking physical power. He peered at me with
great
curiosity in his puckered eyes.
"What a wonder it is," he mused. "Absolutely
incredible. That you, a genius of the first water, should
have so much
less frontal development than I expected. It is a dangerous
habit to
finger loaded firearms in the pocket of one's dressing gown."
"And habits are so very difficult to break," I replied, keeping my
finger on the trigger.
He smiled, tilting his head in a reptilian fashion. "You
evidently
don't know me."
"On the contrary, I think it is fairly evident that I do.
You, sir,
have a very great deal to answer for. Including the fact that
you've
already attempted to murder me once today."
"Oh, hardly that," he demurred. "Had I wanted to murder
you, you would be dead. I left you a little window, and you
escaped. I am sorry about the Doctor's head, of
course. How is
he?"
My stomach formed into a hard, cold stone as I gazed at him. So
that
is what he was doing,
I thought, he was
testing
our respective loyalties, and you walked right into it.
It
was unspeakably witless on my part, to have given us away in that
fashion, absolutely beyond the pale. And there was
nothing I could
say in return, nothing which would not serve to confirm his very
accurate
suspicions. My friend had half shown our hand by throwing
himself in front
of a deadly charging vehicle, after all. And I'd
done the
rest. I could only change the subject, fingering a loaded
pistol and
wondering if Watson would mind me killing a man in cold blood on our
carpet. I thought he would, so I refrained, but I ought to
have done it
then and there.
It was a mistake I still regret. Not simply shooting the sick
bastard and
then explaining things to the Yard later. Everyone
would have
benefited from my slip into dispassionate
murder. Everyone.
"Are you here to warn me off?" I asked instead.
"No. All that I have to say has already crossed your mind."
"Then possibly my answer has crossed yours."
"You stand fast," he smiled.
"Absolutely."
"Then I should not warn you off, Mr. Holmes. I should say
what I
came here to say, having almost killed the pair of you and confirmed a
little
theory of mine."
"Why did you almost kill
me?" I inquired. "Why did you not kill me and have done with
it?"
He rubbed his white lizard fingers together. It was
repulsive but
very compelling. Reaching into his pocket, he drew out a
memorandum-book
upon which he'd scribbled some dates. The Professor's eyes
narrowed as he
read the lines.
"You crossed my path on the fourth of January," said he.
"I need not describe for you the ensuing interim, for doubtless you
recall
it perfectly well. I find myself now, in midsummer,
absolutely hampered
in my plans. And yet, you live. You wish to know
why."
Moriarty replaced the little notepad and clasped his hands behind his
back. "I am fascinated by you, Mr.
Holmes. By your
brain. Your brain is the most remarkable brain I have ever
encountered,
it has been an intellectual treat to me to see the way in which you
have
grappled with this affair, and I say, unaffectedly, that it would be a
grief to
me to be forced to take any extreme measure. Thus there is
but one
conclusion to be drawn. You must come and work for me, Mr.
Holmes."
I swallowed a laugh. "You cannot be serious."
"On the contrary, I am perfectly serious. I always say what I
mean,
Mr. Holmes. How could I have built an empire so vast
otherwise?
Whensoever I speak, I mean nothing more and nothing less.
Count upon
that, sir, and I think you do, for you have seen evidence of
such. I
would never lie to you. You have become a veritable obsession
for
me--could I then destroy you out of hand? Even if it meant my
own
safety? Say that you will end this senseless
animosity. We could
rule
I shifted my grip on the pistol. He was right about one
thing--I believed
every word he said, for I knew this much about the man. That
falsehoods
were the one vice he never indulged in, that he would murder an entire
hospital
ward if he said he would, and would alternately protect a widow to her
dying
day if such was his decision. I didn't believe in his
opinions, but I
believed wholeheartedly in his veracity.
"You are out of your mind," I hissed. "I am nothing like
you."
"No?" He smirked, sitting on the arm of the sofa. "You
never grow weary of the sea of stupidity all around you?
Never tire of
dolts who cannot think beyond what their next meal shall consist
of? You
never surmise, I could have all this to myself if only I
wished it?
You do. I can see that you do. We are the same man,
Mr. Holmes, and
you are fighting needlessly. We are unlike all the
others. And we
have certain...needs. Which is it for you, I
wonder?
Morphine? Cocaine?"
I couldn't answer him, instead coming out from behind the desk with my
revolver
trained on his heart.
"It used to be laudanum, for me, to allow me to sleep at nights," he
continued, his head oscillating ever so slightly as he turned to peer
at my
bookshelves. "To erase the sensation that I am the only one
of my
kind, a race unto myself, absolutely and utterly alone.
You've never felt
that way, you say? No, you say nothing, because you don't
want to give me
the pleasure of calling you a liar."
"Even so, I would never work for you. There isn't any logic
in the
argument that I should follow you simply because you recognize
something
familiar in my intellect."
"You don't want power, then? I desire power solely for
myself, I admit,
but you...you could use it for anything. Anyone.
That doctor of
yours, for example."
Walking up to Moriarty, I pulled the gun out of my pocket. I
needed it
visible between us, a symbol of absolute determination.
"If you touch so much as one hair on his head, so help me God, it is
all
off," I growled. "I won't wait until Monday, I won't
care a whit that all the little fish dart hither and
thither out of
my net. You'll never see me coming, either. Touch
him and I will
shoot you without warning, though a window, and I will walk away, and
you will
be dead. I vow to you that nothing could stop me."
"I believe you," he said pleasantly. "And so, for the time
being--until Monday, Mr. Holmes, Monday being the subject of this
conversation
at heart--he is entirely safe. But I am offering you a
choice. On
the one hand, you can work for me. And I vow to you in return
that I will
compel
you to
work for me if there is no other way, I do so love a
challenge. Work for
me, be my intellectual muse, and I will give you everything you
desire.
You will be treasured, sir, a precious brother in arms. I am,
as I say,
completely preoccupied by you."
"And on the other hand?"
"Refuse my generous offer, and you will regret it. But you
will
regret it much more if you remain in
"Just how do you plan to go about doing that?" I scoffed.
Moriarty smiled benevolently at me. "I wonder if you know,
Mr.
Holmes, how many operatives I employ across the
globe. In
"You shan't have it," I answered.
James Moriarty seemed almost to pity me for a moment. "You
must
stand clear, Mr. Holmes, or be trodden underfoot."
"I am afraid that in the pleasure of this conversation I am neglecting
business of importance which awaits me elsewhere."
He went to the door. A cold rage was burning in his eyes now,
like
nothing I'd ever seen before. It was an anger which defied
depth and
obliterated the concept of mercy. I truly had disappointed
him, I thought
wildly. Professor James Moriarty had honestly supposed me so
amoral that,
provided that I and the Doctor were safe, I would dirty myself with
literally
any filth. The Professor supposed that the Sherlock Holmes he
knew solved
crimes because it had never occurred to him that committing them would
be much
more profitable. I am very unsentimental, I am calculating
and harsh and
didactic and snide and arrogant, but if I own one single
virtue, and only
one, the concept of justice
goes very far with me. He thought me a brain up for
hire. I was
physically revolted by the idea to the point that it must have
showed in
my face, for suddenly he laughed at me.
"Join me by tomorrow evening and grow immensely wealthy, or leave
After he'd shut the door, I stared at the wall for twenty or so
minutes,
thinking. Thinking furiously, in fact. I lit my
pipe. I sat
in my chair. I got up again and poured myself some
brandy. I
needed it.
Soft footsteps came down the staircase ten minutes later.
Watson's hair
was madly disarranged and curling subtly where the water from washing
his face
had dampened it. He looked much better, though, so much
better that he
looked as if nothing was wrong. I was perched weirdly on my
chair with my
long legs tucked all to one side, so he simply sat down upon
the
considerable edge I'd left, resting his own back and head against my
shoulder
and the curving upholstery. Absently, I brushed his hair
back.
Three neat stitches, very carefully done. It wouldn't even
scar.
"I heard voices a while ago," he said drowsily. "Who was
it?"
"Professor James Moriarty."
Starting forward, Watson pivoted to stare at me in alarm.
"You might have told me."
"I was perfectly safe."
"Well, and what did he say to you?"
To be fair to myself, I told him every single word. About his
own
potential reprieve, my certain demise, the operatives in distant lands,
all of
it.
"And so, my dear fellow," I concluded, "I can either be the
second most powerful man in
"The answer is easy enough," he retorted, leaning back against me
once more. "The answer is we defeat him on our own
terms. We
expose no areas of vulnerability, take every possible advantage, and in
all
circumstances remain on the offensive. We beat him.
Then it
shouldn't be a problem."
"What if he can't be arrested?"
"There are ways to best a monster other than arresting it."
I quite agreed with him. And it sounds callous, perhaps, but
how many
lives had we seen ruined by that time? How many hopes dashed
forever, how
many severed ears, how many atrocities? So much had sickened
us both by
then. So much that Watson, who is gentility personified, was
coolly
speaking to me of murdering a mathematics professor.
"Do you know, I have the eeriest feeling that you're right?" I
murmured, setting my pipe on the side table. "I'll never
arrest him,
John. Someone may kill him--you, or Lestrade perhaps, or--I
don't
know. It will probably be me, I think, when the time
comes.
But I won't arrest him. He's too clever by far. He
can be defeated,
I know, but not that way."
Watson's head was tucked under my neck in a friendly manner, his legs
crossed
at the knee. He wasn't listening, though. He was
glaring at the
door. I could see his eyes in the small mirror across the
room by the
picture of General Gordon. He was furious.
"Watson?"
The head beneath my own shook disgustedly.
"How dare he," my friend said softly. "How dare he
threaten you in our own home, and with me elsewhere. It
shan't happen
again, that I can promise you."