The dream always began the same
way.
He was walking down a
grimy London street with his back to me. His neatly fitted grey
overcoat was buttoned and his collar was turned up against the wind,
his silk top-hat on his head. Occasionally he wore lighter clothing,
but it was December, so I was dreaming what he had worn to pay the Yard
a call with me the previous day. The weather in the dream likewise
reflected the true conditions I saw through our window that morning
before settling into a bored, melancholy horizontal S-curve on the
settee, so Watson was striding through pale drifts of snow, nodding
good evening through the pale windows of familiar shops and once
stopping to flick a coin at a beggar girl selling brilliant scarlet
ribbons.
And I was following him, as I always was.
I
never knew where he was going, only that I must keep him in sight at
all costs and that with my particular skills he would never see me
unless I desired it. On one occasion last summer I had flown after him
through the Park in August invisible as a spirit, but that afternoon I
was simply well-wrapped and as deft as I am in life. The snowdrifts
which had been beautiful only that morning were already caked with
grime. I recognized nothing, yet I knew precisely where I was. I could
hear carolers blithely mutilating I Saw Three Ships,
and
strangely the shaky tune followed the two of us even after we had
passed the ragged band of singers and moved into a narrower passage.
Under ordinary circumstances, such blaringly discordant sounds would
have scraped my nerves raw, for I am extraordinarily sensitive to
auditory signals. But this was a dream. So I walked on, unhindered by
the cacophony, all my thoughts on my friend.
Watson,
broad-shouldered and easy of step, turned down a second alleyway. I
should have taken greater care with following him down such a narrow
space had I been doing it in fact, but I suddenly found gravity no
longer applied to my person--or rather, it had re-oriented itself--and
I continued walking along the upper reaches of the corridor's wall. And
now that we were hidden from all eyes, visible only to cold red brick
and colder snow and coldest of all the grey firmament above us, I
willed him to stop just as I always did and he paused as if I had
called out his name.
"Holmes?" he said softly, turning round.
I
wandered a few more paces along the wall approximately six feet above
the ground until I was just above his head and then knelt with one knee
to the brick. The orientation was bizarre on that occasion, but the
rest was exactly the same. I said nothing. I never do.
"There you are," he said, smiling when his eyes drifted up at last. "I
was looking everywhere for you."
Now
we came to the part which always occurred so very naturally that I
marveled at it even when I awakened in a severely compromised state--or
worse still, no longer a compromised state at all. I reached my right
hand out toward his perfectly sculpted face and I kissed him. As it
happens, and to no one's particular surprise, the angle at which you
can kiss a fellow when gravity places you on a brick wall and him on
the solid earth happens to be an especially deep one. The carolers were
still clanging in my ears, but astonishingly I didn't care. The only
things I cared about were the soft brush of his immaculate moustache,
the pulse pounding in his neck beneath my fingers, the fact that his
lips were bizarrely warm for having drunk in so much of London in the
dead of winter, the ache in my chest which threatened to awaken me and
very often did before anything else could take place, the quiet
desperation of my breathing.
The dream could go in any number
of directions from this point. Only once had it ever awoken me with a
muffled scream, as I discovered my lips had burned horrible searing
wounds into his features. Usually the predictable took place, and I
made love to him in some fashion. These fashions were wondrously varied
and encompassed acts I would be reluctant to name, let alone perform in
an empty public space, as we generally did in these fevered visions.
Once I pulled away from his lips when I discovered there was a wedding
ring in my mouth underneath my tongue, and I handed it to him. Once he
drew out his service revolver at the end of the passionate act and
challenged me to a duel. Twice he clapped a pair of derbies on me, to
which I objected rather less than might be assumed, and told me I
belonged to him now.
Once I turned him in an instant into a
pillar of salt. Sodom, which looked remarkably like London, was burning
around our ears. I think I awoke with actual tears in my eyes on that
occasion, gasping for air.
But no such dark thing happened
that late afternoon. The wind through the alley bit at me, and yet I
was not cold, for nothing apart from the task of kissing John Watson
existed as of that moment. The carolers stopped, thank Christ. My left
hand had just gripped his collar with an animal's raw affection when
the sound of a door creaking awakened me and my eyes flew open.
The
light had already faded considerably from when I had curled myself up
to sleep through a dreary span of daytime. John Watson was taking off
his gloves, his affable, square-jawed good looks only heightened by the
cold.
"Never fear," he called out, turning to face the door as
he shut it. "I have paid them, so the remarkably discordant purveyors
of seasonal cheer have cleared off to darken another entryway."
When he rounded the settee, his agile mouth twisted into an apologetic
curve. "I'm sorry, Holmes, I didn't mean to wake you."
Watson's
golden brown hair was slightly tousled from his hat, his blue eyes
brighter than a lapis-hued Madonna in a church window due to the frigid
weather. His lips were reddened also, and a charming flush rested along
his cheekbones. Stretching my arm where it had fallen asleep beneath my
head, I shifted to greet him at least in posture if not in words,
yawning, thanking fair fortune with all my heart that he had not been
delayed by a few minutes longer. A delightful spectacle that might have
proven. I pulled my legs in as far as I could, a friendly invitation
for him to sit down. Finally I raised my torso and draped an arm
languidly along the back of the sofa.
He did sit, barely an inch from my knees, still smiling ruefully.
"I
should not have been asleep much longer--or if I had, I should have
slipped into a nightmare," I muttered tiredly. "That mortifyingly
out-of-tune choir had penetrated my consciousness. I owe you an immense
debt of gratitude."
"I haven't any doubt you would have performed the same heroic act for
me," he grinned. "Think nothing of it."
"You risked shattered eardrums at that proximity."
"It is not my habit to flinch from danger. In any case, they were
blocking our door."
Blinking,
I rested my head on my hand, trying to shake off the unguarded
drowsiness which is caused by falling asleep in a warm sitting room in
December. That quality of innocent haze was allowing me to stare at my
flat mate in what for me was naked adoration. In another man, it might
well have looked like mild interest, I grant.
"Sleep well otherwise?"
"Mm."
Such questions do not require a response.
"I
had hoped you would drop off. Between our caseload and this
weather...well, you've been seeming a bit frayed of late, my dear
fellow."
We fell into a companionable silence there before the
fire, for he knew I was only half listening. What he did not know was
precisely why.
Some of the things I want to do to that
poor fellow would make a hardened sailor blush for shame, but countless
others are as adolescent as they are ridiculous. I want to press my
cheek against his bare collarbone and listen. I never see his hands
resting idly on the breakfast table but that I long to weave my fingers
into them. I want more than anything in the world to say the word John,
and
over and over again, in a hundred different subtleties of sound, in the
mornings and in the evenings and from behind a newspaper and dressed
for the opera in a hansom and utterly bare of clothing. (There are some
who call me unduly arrogant, but with my capacity to understand the
music of words, I am confident I could say John
very well
indeed.) I am a grown man, and yet I want to curl up with my head in
his lap and do nothing save listen to the rain thrumming against our
windows. I want it to be raining for that exact purpose. On this
occasion, my hand was actually lifting in the air in
the direction of his cheekbone before I caught myself and
smoothed back my own hair. It was a mess, of course.
"I told Mrs. Hudson to wait dinner. I'd a late lunch at the club, and
you never eat before nine in any event."
"Watson, the subject of dinner does not interest me in the slightest."
"You
really ought to humour the man who just saved you from a jews-harp, a
pennywhistle, and four semi-inebriated...hmm. By the sound of them, I
suppose they were basset hounds, though I cannot be certain."
The
things he does to the very flow of my blood cannot possibly be set down
in English. I could try French, but Spanish might do better. And the
not-having-him was beginning to cause me to disintegrate at a cellular
level. Or so it felt.
"Yes, I shall have to reward you at
once, with such a debt of honour on my conscience," I sighed, awakening
a fraction more fully. "And in doing so, I think I can kill two birds
with one stone, by driving the remnants of the most unholy desecration
of I Saw Three Ships I have ever experienced from
both our minds. In fact, there is not a moment to lose."
I
stood up. I stretched. I went to the sideboard and poured two brandies,
passing one to Watson and leaving the other to rest there. I knitted my
fingers and turned my palms out, pulling the sleepy cords of muscle.
Then I bent in the direction of my Strad case.
"Is it possible to desecrate I Saw Three Ships?"
Watson wondered, sipping his brandy. "The tune is already unbearable at
the best of times."
"I had assumed the same, but apparently we were theorizing in advance
of the facts."
My
friend laughed. I picked up my instrument, practically the inanimate
extension of my literal self, and tuned it softly. The moment I had
finished, I fended off an onslaught of nerves. I already knew for an
irrevocable fact what I was going to play.
It was the risk of
my life, and I knew that too. But I felt as if I had no choice in the
matter, thrown off my guard as I was every time I set eyes on him.
Things had been building to a head for months now; I was indeed frayed
past my capacity to endure; and I was yet relaxed enough to risk
placing my soul on the sitting room carpet and asking whether he might
care to have the ownership of the blasted thing.
Again.
The
other pieces simply had not been powerful enough. If Mendelssohn's Opus
64 in E Minor did not accomplish my ends, nothing could help me save
admitting to an impeccable gentleman that I am the world's most
practiced liar.
Watson would understand. He had to. He knew me
through and through and, while his perception of music is not the
wildly comprehensive sort I both glory in and suffer from, his
perception of me is profound. Uncanny, at times.
And beyond his perception, his appreciation of my talents would work in
my favour. It had to.
I was coming further unraveled every day.
Watson's
appreciation of my musical ability, as a matter of fact and while I am
on the subject, adds another element of dimension to an activity I had
already supposed the definition of the word sublime.
Well,
that is not quite right. Sometimes music is sublime, only sometimes,
and obviously sometimes it is difficult and dangerous and disturbing.
At times it haunts, and at other times it caresses. I've fallen
feather-lightly to sleep listening to music, for instance. Yet
sometimes it wrenches me from the inside out in a fashion which seems
exactly halfway between a knife wound and a sexual climax. (I've
experienced the former as well as the latter, and I know of which I
speak.)
Explaining this phenomenon to my peers would be, for
obvious reasons, an ill-advised exercise. No one wants to hear their
lover or friend or acquaintance describe music as a benevolent
succubus--no, that's disgusting, it would obviously be an incubus in my
case--but in any event, it would never do to tell anyone that music
flows within my entire body until I'm flooded with liquid sound. It
sounds quite wrong. All I can state for a definite fact is that,
whereas most elements of day-to-day human experience I can keep firmly
outside the walls of my inner self, music seeps straight through my
pores and into my bloodstream where it has its way with me. Why this
should be, I don't know. Perhaps I trust music. It was the constant
companion of my childhood, after all. But that seems facile. What I
mean to express is that music, be it a soaring uplift or a wrenching
ode in a minor key, crawls into every single one of my crevices--the
spaces between the bones of my fingers, the crannies which separate my
ribs from my spine, the very hollows of my skull. Perhaps that's why I
play it so well.
But here lies my point: when I am playing
music alone, it possesses me utterly. When I am playing music with John
Watson watching, I am somehow able to possess it.
I took a breath and tucked my fiddle under my chin.
Mendelssohn's
greatest violin work begins with the most sweetly longing melody. And
the consequent is hardly less throbbing than the antecedent--by the
time I had twice articulated it, nearly resolving though never reaching
a true completion, there wasn't any difference between me and my violin
any longer. It was a phrase said to have given Mendelssohn himself no
peaceful quarter, gently fragmenting the inside of his head. And I
pulled it into our sitting room with my bow that early evening in
December, like a spirit of the wild woods beyond London summoned to a
magician's side with an ancient word.
But at this
point--whereas had I been alone I would already have been seeing
abstract notes in three dimensions behind my closed eyelids or tasting
the mathematical pattern in a spiraling seashell or smelling salt water
in eighth notes--I was still myself. And the only other thing in the
world apart from the music was him. Listening to
me.
My playing has been called far too many things by too many people for
me to detail in full. My top notes have been decreed lambent and
my low tones lush. My mind is constructed with such
a love of precision that someone once called my bowing so
pristine as to be almost virginal, and yet my embellishments
for the same piece were termed dulcet yet perplexingly
cutting.
We none of us ever know what we look like when we are playing, still
less how those looks affect others, but a lover who happened to be a
fine operatic tenor once told me I looked like two things when I
played: how he felt when singing from Rodelinda, regina de'
Longobardi, or
else how I myself looked in the final two breathless seconds of an
orgasm. Others have proven still more creative in their descriptions: a
sound which opens like an unfolding sunrise was perhaps too
complimentary to be believed. The abstract of the ripely
sensual makes no sense whatsoever, but what can a man expect
from a Russian critic? Fully, deeply felt but demented
nevertheless was one of my favourites.
That early evening, I took every single element of myself and gave them
all to my friend.
I
passed through tenderly held sustains of simplest perfection into
brilliant washes of semiquavers. My high notes were light as gossamer,
glowing like candle flames, and I seemed to be breathing through my
fingers. There is a modulation into G major like rapids flowing into a
lake, and, as we fell together into the shimmering water, John Watson
and I, I could have sworn the notes were touching him. Merest mistlike
ghost whispers on the backs of his hands, some of them, and then during
the cadenza a waterfall of pure sensation from his hair down his spine.
I don't think my hands have ever put as much raw courage into a sword
as I did the ricochet arpeggios leading to the closing, nor have I ever
in my life touched any man's body with as much passion as that music
was tearing from me. And then, miracle of miracles, the final passage
within the rippling coda hovered so gently through my fingertips that I
may as well have left the earth behind entirely.
Save that John Watson was still here.
I
stopped at the end of the first movement because if I didn't glance up
and see what his face looked like in that moment, I thought the world
might possibly end.
Watson likewise opened his eyes. He did not quite seem to know where he
was any longer. Neither did I, for that matter.
I stared back at him. Say something.
He leaned forward with his hands clasped, his blue eyes shining, and
all I could think was beautiful. So beautiful.
Say something.
"My
dear man, you have an incredible talent," he declared gravely. "I have
never heard anything like you before in all my life. You are to be
congratulated."
That was the wrong something.
And
I wasn't to be congratulated at all, for I had my health and my art and
my career and none of it mattered. Congratulations would be merited
when I had him too. I take the crown for the greediest man alive, I
don't doubt, but then I can do nothing by halves.
I set my
violin back in its case with a nod. "Thank you." I looked at the clock.
There was time. I could escape him yet, if only for the evening. I dove
toward my bedroom.
"Holmes, where are you going?" he called out.
I
slammed the door, though I honestly hadn't meant to. Then I went to
change my clothing, cursing the day I met the man and cursing myself
for an arrogant imbecile at the same time. After digging a little, I
had everything I needed. Ivory cravat, pure silk waistcoat the colour
of porcelain, sweeping black tails. I dressed very carefully and ran a
comb through my dark hair. I looked...well, I looked effective for my
purposes, but only if he chose to notice. Then I swept back into the
room, ignoring his surprised stare, and went for my violin case.
"Holmes, where on earth are you bound dressed like that?" Watson
smiled. "Buckingham Palace?"
"Out. Do not wait up for my return, dear chap."
"Is it a matter of some importance, then?" he asked, concern creeping
into his tone.
"I
really cannot be expected to provide detailed diagrams of my activities
for no purpose other than to satisfy the idle curiosity of an indolent
pensioner," I drawled as I donned my greatcoat. "Farewell, and best of
luck finding another source of entertainment for the night."
The
sensation a man experiences when his mouth is saying something his
brain produced and his conscience finds basely horrifying is not unlike
the feeling of a priceless vase slipping through one's fingers to
shatter on the ground, or (as once happened to me during a winter in my
childhood) breaking through a sheet of ice one thought solid as paving
stones. I cannot say more about it other than to mention that it is
worse than either of these, infinitely more harrowing in fact, and that
every time I bring it upon myself I hope before the initial shock of
pain hits me--and it hits me as squarely as it hits my target, that
much I know in my bones--that it will be the last time.
It never is the last time, unfortunately. It never will be the last
time, either, until the week or so before I die.
I
was out the door before I could register the hurt on Watson's face. As
I tripped down the stairs and into the city, I realized for the first
time that my motives were more confused than even I had been aware.
I was fleeing more than him that night. I was fleeing the man I became
in his company.
It
was all my own fault, of course, but how to undo what had already been
done some two years before? The gold sovereign on my watch chain
glinted under a gas lamp against the shimmering ivory cloth. A reminder
of my accursed precautions. A token of friendship, yes, but also a
symbol of the heartless automaton. A coin to pay the calculating
machine.
Penny for the Guy? I thought ironically, and made a sharp turn through
a darkened mews.
Cabs
were plentiful, but the bitter air stung my cheeks and I deserved it,
so I kept walking. I strode through streets of brick and streets of
granite, past the sable branches of the Park, with the rough kerbstones
beneath my polished boots and my fiddle tucked under my arm. The small
and private concert hall, when I reached it, was lit like a celestial
Christmas tree. By small and private, I mean to write a euphemism for
exclusive and opulent, and they had outdone themselves in its
construction. But I ignored the white flare of candlelight beyond the
marble columns at the front of the tiny palace and steered myself
backside to the artists' entrance.
Two dim, bare hallways took
me to a staircase, and the staircase took me to the pit. A warm, dusty,
oily, ashen scent of footlights filled my nostrils. The ensemble for
the evening's performance was a small one by the looks of the music
stands, but I had expected that, for I knew precisely who the featured
artist was to be. The musicians were still arriving singly, rubbing
their fingers, having left their coats and gloves in the impossibly
cramped green room upstairs. How it is possible for some of the finest
opera houses and concert halls in the world to forget that musicians
also appreciate open rooms and adequately stuffed furnishings is beyond
me, but a truism nevertheless.
"Sherlock Holmes," a reedy voice said tragically as its owner descended
the last of the steps.
"My dear Ambrose," I smiled, saluting him. "You are reprieved."
"Get
out of here," Ambrose growled, adjusting his cravat as he approached
me. "I need the money. I don't care what you sound like, or what you
are thinking, or what you are to her, whatever you are. And I don't
care where you've been all this time either, for I've seen your name
often enough in the newspapers. Move along, you, before you begin to
test my patience. Go on, shoo. Get away from my chair."
Ambrose
Smith is a short, sniveling, oblivious, vicious-tempered, dense sort of
fellow with side whiskers and hazel eyes which never, ever look at you
while he is speaking. In addition, he is a brilliant violinist,
although not nearly so brilliant as I am. (His clarity of articulation
may be on par with mine, and his range of tone quality is admirable;
however, his spontaneous immediacy is sadly lacking.) He is intensely
unlikeable. But he is easily dealt with.
"Suppose they don't
pay me," I mused. "Suppose they pay you, and I don't say a word. All I
require of you just now, my good man, is your absence."
"You're off your head, and I've always said so."
"Here
is what I propose: you spend the night at your leisure, wandering the
streets of our fair city with a comely lass on your elbow or some such
thing, all the while being paid to be here, with
this additional pound note from me in your pocket. What do you think of
it?"
Charles
Hendrickson, the older but quietly sweet-faced second chair fiddle for
the evening, sprung open his case while affecting not to be amused by
this negotiation. But I could see in the angle of his neat blond
eyebrows that it amused him considerably. It is difficult not to be
fond of Charles, for he is a wonderfully decent man despite an
affection for finger slides which has always left me a little baffled.
"Just because you're in love with her doesn't give you the right to
order me around," Ambrose observed nastily.
Charles snorted softly when my eyebrows reached approximately the level
of the exquisite crystal chandelier high above.
"Well, it doesn't," Ambrose groused. "And anyway, she's married."
"Yes, I noted and docketed that salient fact on the occasion of her
wedding day," I agreed. "In person."
"Ambrose, just where have you been all these years?" Charles put in
doubtfully.
"What do you mean?" Ambrose questioned.
"That's Sherlock Holmes you're speaking with. On the subject of a
married woman."
"And so?"
I
sighed, examining my fingernails idly. "The only topic which ought to
be on your mind just now, Ambrose, is deciding what variety of sport
you will hit upon once you have ascended those stairs and passed
through the hallway and are taking your ease in the heart of London.
With five pounds in your pocket. On a personal
note, I can
heartily recommend Bunburying, or the playing of backgammon, or any
number of Greek pastimes, though on second thought perhaps you ought to
think of something less...overtly social in nature."
Charles
was smiling by this time at my string of filthy encoded suggestions,
but Ambrose had grown a bit purple. "You think I don't know an indorser
when I see one? Even if that sod has taken the back passage with half
the mandrakes in Christendom--"
"My blushes, sir," I interrupted.
"--and he likely enough has done, that doesn't mean he's not obsessed
with her," Ambrose hissed at Charles, thoroughly annoyed.
A new tactic was required. A far colder, not to say crueler one.
"Jealousy does not become you, my good man," I said coyly.
"Jealousy?" Ambrose spluttered. "Well, if that doesn't take the prize.
Of all the--you're--"
"Yes,
yes, yes, go on. What would you care to call me? I've always thought
the term barber's chair quite effective for conjuring the image of a
well-used piece of live furnishings. But what you'd like to
say
is that she won't be overjoyed to hear me playing in your stead. And
I'm very much afraid, my dear Ambrose, that you can't."
Ambrose
should never have brought up the subject, unfortunately. I am allowed a
thousand liberties in her presence he is not, but I am not
the first-chair violinist who happens to be in love with her.
"You've
always been mad for her," he snapped, colouring. "Just admit it! Why
else would a sane, reasonable man work for no pay?"
I
satisfied myself with a roll of my eyes in lieu of response,
for--knowing Ambrose's gambling woes as I did--it would have been
rather uncharitable to say that the last thing I needed in the world
was more money.
I ought to mention here that the same absolute
secrecy I maintain about myself in police, legal, social, and
professional circles is matched in an orchestra pit by the perfect
candour of a man who knows he is safe from all harm. The depravities
which are habitually discussed in orchestra pits the world over could
whiten a weak man's hair. There is security in numbers, and in art, and
in fraternity--and in any case I could never have hidden it from them
completely, for I've a tendency to treat lovers as if they were pocket
handkerchiefs. Prim and bigoted as he was, Ambrose was right about me.
But even Ambrose Smith has his noble qualities, even apart from a
first-rate attack and a flawless left-hand pizzicato;
had a
policeman ever asked him a question regarding my predilection for
offenses against the person, he would have replied in a heartbeat that
Sherlock Holmes was a madman about whom he knew nothing, and that he
only desired to keep it that way.
We musicians take care of our own, and it doesn't matter a whit whether
or not we like them.
"Who
ever said Sherlock Holmes was a sane man?" Charles asked easily. "Or a
reasonable one? And when have you ever won an argument with him, even
before he took to practicing logic for a living? Now, do toss off,
Ambrose, there's a good fellow. You're only wasting your own time. I'll
keep your score when he's through with it, and give it back to you
tomorrow."
At last, with an exceedingly disgruntled cough and
several venomously muttered remarks regarding being cudgeled about by a
lobcocked Mary when he was only doing his job, Ambrose made himself
absent with five additional pounds in his pocket. I seated myself and
leafed through his pages. They were jotted with all his personal
scribblings in atrociously crude handwriting, but no matter. When I
found what was to be my first effort for the evening, my heart
positively skipped a single beat--a lost spasm of muscle, never born,
swept away in a stately progression of notes. It was even better than I
expected. Simpler, and altogether wonderful.
I cast a happy
glance at Charles. He merely sniffed, although he was smiling too. "Why
you are such a fool for this cantata is quite beyond me. Although I'll
be the last to deny that she does it justice. I
suppose that's why you're here tonight, after all this time away from
us?"
"For Bach's early religious musings?" I asked innocently, pulling out
my bow.
"No,
I mean to say--Ambrose talks nothing but bollocks, the poor besotted
wretch, but surely you're here to play for her again?"
"Blasphemy. I am here exclusively for you, Charles my darling, and your
divinely rich finger vibrato."
He chuckled. "My vibrato, as you call it, belongs to Annie and Annie
alone, you grossly flirtatious pinchcock."
"Charles,
why must you insist upon breaking my heart each and every time I see
you?" I lamented blithely. "I could butter all the buns in the world,
but lacking yours--"
"If you are going to be loathsome and
inexcusable, you will leave me no choice but to cause you physical
harm. After I have heard you play it again, of course. To break your
arm beforehand would be a ghastly waste." Charles winked at me almost
imperceptibly.
We tuned briefly when we were assembled. The
conductor arrived. He raised an eyebrow at me, but then he shrugged as
if it made no difference to him. As indeed, it didn't, for he knew me
well enough. No sane person complains of substituting an excellent
violinist with a masterful one.
Applause above us, then, for
she had arrived. Something about the lights shifted, or perhaps it was
only my spirit stirring, and underneath the clapping of the audience
above me I imagined the susurration of a silken train, the whisper of
lace as she nodded and smiled and bowed. I lifted my beloved fiddle as
Charles did the same, eying the the slender conductor's hands. He
breathed in, his shoulders rising for our benefit, and in that instant
before the music started, something within me left the earth just as it
always did. I could feel us living, we two
violinists, and the violist, and the cellist, could feel us about to
commence something divine.
Then we began to play the title aria of Widerstehe doch der
Sünde, and nothing beyond the reach of our sound
existed any longer.
The
chord which begins it is an uneasy dominant seventh, utterly untamed,
the sound of all the guilt and present sorrow and yet-unhatched vice in
the corrupted currents of this world. Then a melting cadence, a steady
uplift. We set off stately and slow with the cello throbbing through
all my organs. The lilting phrase of the very first measure whispered
in prophecy of what was to come, a generous little melody falling into
steadily repeated quarter notes, and those notes anchored us to the
natural world in a perfectly straight line. Without those notes, none
of the rest would make sense, but they sound like a call to a lover who
lingers inches from your embrace. Afterwards we were twisting and
binding, flowing and following, caressing before abandoning, inside and
around each other in the most intimate act I had experienced in many
months. The polished legato phrases were carrying me upward inexorably,
and I felt a dazzling ache in the depths of me at the loveliness of it.
Widerstehe doch der Sünde is not a
difficult piece to play, in
fact it is very simple, but oh how I adore it--the painful stillness of
my sustains as the melody bowed under me, the playful interludes of
synchronous harmony in which we all came together, the moment when I
was the one soaring through the night sky above the rest, the rich
pulse of the viola and the thrum of the cello, all echoing one another
until I didn't know where I ended and a very young Bach strolling
through Weimar with Heaven in his head began.
This account takes us exactly ten bars in--after ten bars, she began to
sing, and I closed my eyes for a moment to simply breathe
it.
She
is a contralto, by nature as well as by profession. Where a
countertenor lends an air of floating light to the piece, her voice
mingles earth and satin and honey and blood. I could taste them when I
heard her. The muscles of my arm sent harmonies to entangle themselves
with the notes in her open throat, our sound as artful and yet
elemental as a snowflake, and I think in that instant I loved her. It
was a lament but not a confession, it was the meaning of symmetry
matched with the continual threat of imbalance, and she was the sinner
caught in the maw of the world.
Hold steadfast against sin, she was singing. The
German filtered sketchily through my mind. I still haven't reached a
perfect translation. Poisonous are its delights.
Never
a truer word sung, of course, but when has foreknowledge stopped a
genuine sinner? And I am a genuine sinner if ever one was born on God's
earth. A man who is, as a wiser fellow than me once said, to double
business bound, neglecting everything he ought to hold most dear.
An empty shadow. A whited sepulcher.
I
knew that voice so well, and yet suddenly it was not her voice at
all--she was all of us, falling to the ground torn to pieces with
bloody desire, the simplicity of the melody the only thing that kept my
heart from breaking. Even the fairest sort of transgression, she was
saying, was an empty void.
It is the apple of Sodom...and those who are with it united shall never
reach God's heavenly realm.
At
least, I thought during a shimmering rest and for the five hundredth
time since I had first tasted Sodom's irresistible forbidden fruit, I
knew what I was in for.
I have never been ashamed of who I am,
in the strictly carnal sense. It is a vice in me, doubtless, that my
natural instinct is to cherish my vices and not shun them. But one pays
for one's pleasures in this world, so I cannot help but think the same
principle applies in the next. And I am far crueler than anyone I would
ever allow to savour an eternal reward.
Her voice, richer than
melted gold, sank into minor deviations as she warned us all to no
avail against the designs of Satan which tarnish the glory of God. I do
not believe Satan exists--even though I have seen him with my own eyes,
staring back from the faces of scores of murderers and predators and
turncoats. Hell exists, surely, or there is no justice in creation, but
men are evil enough without diabolical otherworldly assistance. But I
do believe in God, even though I have never seen Him. I believe in Him
because of gifts like her voice. Strange perhaps to disbelieve in
something I have seen personally while giving full credit to the
invisible, but I was never given the choice of how music would make me
feel. Long-held notes floating above the strings faded to piano
and then grew into a rolling vibrato which pulsed out of her frame like
her heartbeat. When she flitted from note to note I mirrored her in
counterpoint, when she flew from branch to branch I sustained long
caressing tones, and when I fell silent the others were all around me.
We
repeated the theme in a darkly intricate degradation of its first clean
song, rife with accidentals and the pitfalls of the everyday. And then
she was singing again, and our sins were what bound us to the world.
Our atrocities made us all the same.
Sin was our gravity. And music the only thing stronger.
Prayer
is an exhaustive waste of my time; there is nothing honest I can say to
Him of which He is not already aware. As for being dishonest and
flattering while my thoughts remain below, words without thoughts never
to Heaven go. But what of thoughts without words? Surely something of
the purity of grace I feel when my violin translates for my spirit
reaches His ears in spite of my transgressions, or whereto serves
mercy? As we glided to the final phrases, it seemed almost possible.
As if I was flawed, hopelessly so, and yet somehow...intended.
As if I belonged in the world.
I had pure peace for a moment, when it was over.
We
moved steadily on to the next movement. But not before I caught Charles
smiling at me with a wondering expression, shaking his head as he
deftly turned his page.
"Say hello to your Annie for me," I whispered just before the start.
"That I shall," Charles returned. "She'll be forever sorry not to have
heard you again. God knows I would have been."
I mingled backstage briefly with Charles afterwards--and with
Mutton, and David, and Pitch-Pipe, and Marcello, and Ribbon, and
Pierre. I felt twenty years old again, and my all too serious troubles
surely belonged to someone else. The professional violinist enjoying a
drink with his colleagues of many years after a fine performance surely
could not have called his dearest friend an indolent pensioner mere
hours before. We shared a bottle of tepid champagne and made short work
of another in that dingy little room, and then I stood to my full
height and lit a cigarette from my case.
"She was marvelous," Pitch-Pipe squeaked. "Tell her we said so."
"Completement, tout a fait magnifique," Pierre
added, swinging his champagne glass emphatically. "Suggest to her
please for me that I one day die in her lap."
"I think you've suggested that a number of times before," I observed
mildly.
"Women
relish repetition," Marcello boomed, opening a fresh bottle of
something dubious he had produced from a bag in the corner. "Trust me.
They eat repetition like caviar."
"Oui, exactement ca," Pierre agreed. "Please do so
kind as to tell her again, Sherlock. I will have your debt if you make
any progress for me."
"I don't suppose that Sherlock has changed his mind about allowing me
to die in his
lap, come to think of it?" Ribbon wondered teasingly, the bright green
ribbon which harnessed his spectacles fluttering as he moved his oboe
case away from Marcello's enthusiastic pouring. The liquid appeared to
be gin. "Just a little death is all I ask."
"Do you mean to say you haven't already?" Mutton wondered. "That's
frankly shocking."
"Ribbon,
you are well aware that Tristan would have me by the bollocks within
ten minutes, and I don't fancy falling afoul of a high court judge. I
shall tell her you all adore her, then, shall I?" I smiled, turning to
go as I donned my hat.
Cries of Yes! and For the eternity!
and To our deaths!
followed me as I tripped up the staircase. There was one dressing room
with some style in that gilded little music box of a concert hall, and
it housed the shining gem of the evening's programme. The hallway was
bare enough, but the air was warmer here. There was a good fire going
in her chamber, I had no doubt, for she would want to change before
returning home or going out for the evening. Stopping myself from
simply opening the door, I knocked.
"Do come in," she called out in response.
When
I entered the prettily decorated alcove, the diva sat on a long low
sofa, resplendent in sapphire taffeta, smoking a small cigarette
languidly. The fire was blazing but comfortable, and it cast a warm
orange wash over the perfume bottles and sprays of hothouse flowers.
Her deep brown eyes darted coldly to meet mine.
"If it isn't Mr. Sherlock Holmes," she said frostily. "You have a
nerve, coming here, sir."
"Mrs.
Godfrey Norton," I replied, sweeping my hat off my head. "I can only
reply that I desire nothing better than to make amends."
Mrs.
Irene Alder Norton, upon first glance at her, is for an instant quite
angelic in appearance. By angelic, of course, I do not mean innocent,
but powerfully, blindingly beautiful. After that first glance, however,
Irene looks like a mere mortal again, or she does to me: a lovely
heart-shaped face, its freckles hidden under a hint of powder, a mind
sharp as a scythe hidden in turn behind the fair face. With my
predilections, I am at liberty to cherish things about her other than
her face and her eggshell decolletage...and so the
feature I
like best is the golden flecks in the brown pool of her eyes which
remind me I am in the presence of someone every bit as intelligent as I
am. Her dark amber hair was pulled up into a complicated arrangement,
her lips blushed with champagne and song, her determined chin at a most
unwelcoming angle.
She scrutinized me in silence. The woman is
exceptionally good at silence, very nearly as good as she is at sound.
So a long pause, followed by, "I find that difficult to believe."
"Set any price, and I will exceed it, you have my word. Now, what have
I done?"
Irene
blinked in disbelief for a moment, but the warmth of my declaration
must have affected her. Expertly, she raised an eyebrow.
"You've
entirely disappeared for...let me see...very nearly six months," she
replied, putting out the cigarette in the porcelain tray at her elbow.
"My
caseload might be an effective excuse, but I know you would see through
such a prevarication. As it happens, I am simply miserable and avoiding
all sympathetic human contact. Because you are the most sympathetic and
charming of all human contact ever recorded, I have avoided you
especially. Now, do hurry up and forgive me and begin our conversation
again the proper way."
I thought for several seconds that she
was truly too angry to comply with my request. Then she shrugged her
shoulders, cleared her throat, and turned into another person entirely.
Still Irene, but the Irene I had known nearly ten years before.
"There
you are!" she cried, smiling broadly as she threw a hand out towards
me. "Of course I knew it was you from the very first note. Had you not
come to see me, I should have been quite heartbroken."
I went to her, lifting the balletic hand and running my lips over it.
"Mrs. Norton," I smiled.
"Was that better?"
"Considerably."
She
threw her arms around my neck. It was not the sort of thing I would be
able to tolerate from many people, but from Irene physical contact is
not merely tolerable but very comforting.
"We were always
going to be famous, the two of us, and now look at you!" she laughed.
"I hear of you everywhere since Dr. Watson became your chronicler."
"I'm no more famous than you are," I demurred.
"Oh, my dear boy, I am not famous at all. I am infamous,
which is quite a different story. I'm tremendously proud of you, in any
event, even if you have abandoned me. Tell me what I was doing all the
afternoon. I made seven stops, and I want you to recite every one of
them."
"Apart from your tailor, your tobacconist, and your new solicitor, I
can see nothing."
Stepping away from me, Irene slid her warm hands down my arms. "Not my
dressmaker?"
"No,
I said your tailor," I smiled. "I don't suppose I should have noticed
as quickly if you were still lying in state over there, but you aren't
wearing stays."
"I could pretend my diaphragm prefers it, but
by this point in my career I could probably sing from the inside of an
iron maiden if it was required of me. And so I will own that you are
entirely correct." Irene dropped into her dressing table chair tiredly,
pulling rings off her fingers. "Would you like a drink?"
"I just have done."
"That
is a very poor and not very relevant answer," she smiled. "And from the
look in your eyes, I believe you are about to make the implication that
I am somehow intoxicating enough without aid, and perhaps make romantic
suggestions on your colleagues' behalf. Do refrain."
"Well, if you don't care for flattery any longer, what can I do for you
in its stead?" I laughed.
"Help me with this, will you?" she murmured absently.
Softly,
I went behind Irene's chair. I have not the slightest, smallest
stirring of sexual feeling toward her, have never done toward any
woman, but she admittedly brings out the feline in me: a desire to
gentle, to caress. All that milky skin, on this occasion still more of
it revealed by the dramatic v-cut of the back of her sapphire evening
gown, a tasteful circlet of diamonds round her neck. She had wanted me
to remove them, so I undid the clasp and then handed them to her. When
the whole of her neck from hairline to mid-spine was exposed, I ran my
fingertips down it softly. She shivered. But I didn't want to return to
my seat, so I remained behind her, reaching with subtle fingers into
her hair.
It took a moment, but she relaxed against the back
cushion of her velvet chair, watching me in the mirror as I collected
pins. One, two, three...I was methodical about it. I always am, about
her hair. It is a thing of considerable beauty, after all--a great coil
of auburn waves, shining like the brightest days of October, and she is
justly proud of it. I confess myself something of a sensualist, whether
the topic be music, or the rich salty depth of caviar, or the cut of an
artfully made dinner jacket (such as the one I was wearing), and
Irene's hair is no exception. I started at the crown, where her maid
had swept it up into a stately arch, gathering pins amid the amber
waves as if I was turning tiny keys. One strand unlocked, then another.
I felt my mind beginning to clear, as if I had been already half an
hour deep into Eastern meditation. She held a hand up, and I placed a
small group in her palm.
"It's bad tonight, isn't it?" Irene asked me, her voice sure but
gentle. "Whatever have you done?"
"Not a thing in the world," I replied. "There is nothing I am more
practiced at accomplishing, in fact, than nothing."
I
met her eyes in the mirror. One of her arched little brows had raised.
"Are you truly planning to spend your entire life pining for someone
who resides twenty yards away from your bedroom door?"
"Yes. Stated in that light, it does not sound precisely ideal, but
apparently yes."
"Why
apparently?" Irene can catch the subtlest of my phrases and demand I
explain it, a remarkable talent. "So you did make some sort of
overture?"
"Your choice of words is amusing, my dear girl, for
the overture did literally take musical form. As a matter of fact, I
have recently discovered that when I play my fiddle and he is in the
room, I cannot stop myself declaring my body and soul his twin slaves.
Unfortunately, he has not...noticed."
"Sherlock," she smiled, "not everyone can speak the violin."
"Ah, but he can, or I shouldn't love him in the first place."
A
piece of her hair, on the front left side, had come entirely free in a
lustrous rope. I carded my fingers through it and placed it over her
shoulder. It was light as featherdown, one of the very few soft things
about Irene, along with her skin and her heart. The rest is carved of
alabaster. There was a complicated circle of braid to manage next, as I
tried to slip the smooth little invaders away without dragging them
across her scalp. I love working with my fingers--an unbreakable
combination lock will do for a workday, or a delicate chemical
experiment, but Irene's hair is worth a month of Sundays thinking about
it. There is scarcely anything more delicious to a man with severely
heightened senses than acts as simple as locating and removing a finite
series of pins.
"Do you wish we had never fooled him, then?" she asked next.
There lay the crux of the matter, of course. Years before, I had come
by a new flatmate.
John
Watson was handsome, and though exhausted and feverish he was also
wonderful. He was all the notes of my violin spun out into the perfect
constellation of melody, twisting through me like a Chopin phrase.
Unfortunately, I had quite sworn off the softer emotions at the time,
only talking of them in concert with a gibe and a sneer. And I was also
a coward who had absolutely no intention of ever falling in love with
anyone ever again, let alone with the man who was beginning to be my
dearest friend. So rather than trust myself not to make a mistake, I
had engaged my theatrical friends in a ruse. Watson had thought he was
taking part in a ruse, all right, but a ruse directed at Irene. He had
been mistaken. I had retained a photograph, and a plausible story about
a married woman who would haunt me for all time, and he had believed
me. I would have time, I thought, to recover from the surprising fact
of him, and all would be well. All was not well, as it happened.
It
was easy to convince Watson I was fascinated by Irene, for I am. But
only in the sense that I am fascinated by the religious music of Lassus
or interested in solving bizarre salt derivatives. She is a friend and
a puzzle and an artist.
Pretending she could be more than that was no harder than pretending to
be a brain without a heart.
As
for Irene, she had wanted to get married. She had wanted very badly to
marry a charming barrister called Godfrey Norton, and she did not mind
in the slightest fooling Watson while she did it, as a favour to me. I
was still witness at her wedding, as she had long insisted. The bride's
best man. Had I known then what I do now, I could have saved myself
years of dreaming the same dream and thus laundering my own
nightshirts, and Irene...well, I could have saved Irene a great deal.
I
wish on occasion--very rarely, I grant--that I were less clever. The
scheme had worked to perfection. The one moment I had thought our plan
nearly ruined was when I laid eyes on our ridiculous friend Bartholomew
in his nightmarish King-of-Bohemia getup, but Watson understands music
rather better than he does fashion, bless his boundless heart.
Otherwise that scarlet-lined cape...dear Heaven above, and when I think
of the fur-topped boots, and the yards of trim, and the sheer amount of
pomade the man had been wearing, I would dissolve into fits of laughter
if I were capable of such in my current mood. I may be an invert, but
Bartholomew is a pillowman.
"I could certainly find it in my
heart to wish that we had never fooled him, if I supposed that I would
prove any decoration to the man, but I do not."
"Are you in earnest?"
"Of course of I am. I am always in earnest.
I have been since I was fourteen," I teased her, with a joke entirely
too off its colour for a lady. What of that? She knew me as a reed-thin
fiddle player wandering Europe, as queer then as I am today.
I
found a starflower nestled in among the pins where no one could ever
have glimpsed it and carefully removed the blossom. Had she been
expecting a lover tonight? Godfrey was a cad and a bounder, and I had
vowed to thrash the hide off him the moment he set foot in London
again, but I knew him to be nowhere near the city. Never mind. If she
was expecting a more useful sort of man than I happened to be, she
would tell me. I tucked the flower in my buttonhole and set myself back
to the solidity of the pins.
"But surely the situation is impossible," Irene argued.
"The
situation may be impossible, but it's also deserved. You have no notion
the sort of tortures I put that fellow through as it is, Irene."
"Some notion, perhaps, of the tortures."
"It's
uncanny," I mused, drawing my nails through a newly freed lock. "I have
never loved anyone like this, never, the sort of love that Baroque
operas are written about, and what do I do? I torment him at every
available opportunity. I am out at all hours, when I know he worries
for my safety. I am abrupt with him at times--churlish, inelegant, and
that is not even who I am."
"You've always barked orders at
the men you admire," she observed. "That conductor in Salzburg, do you
remember him? With the devastating moustache and the soulful brown
eyes? You demanded he mark your entrance more clearly. I've never seen
anything like it--he was very nearly dead of apoplexy ten minutes into
the first rehearsal."
"But he marked my entrance more clearly, and I made it up to him
afterward," I replied dryly.
She laughed gaily, and her laugh as always reminded me of how very American
Irene is. It was not a polite titter meant to acknowledge the speaker,
nor yet a suppressed exclamation as our decorous females tend to do,
but a laugh. Irene's merriment is as much a
satin-throated
explosion as it is anything else, and a laugh quite infectious in
nature. Nearly an enviable one--mine is as silent as the grave.
"So," she sighed when she was through, "you are an utter cad to him,
out of habit if not inclination. How does he respond?"
I
frowned, not only at the question but at a tangle I had discovered
nestled in the depths of all that artistry atop her head. The day I
hurt her taking down her hair is the day I resign the position
permanently.
"He possesses various defenses. He ignores me. He
laughs at me. He returns my fire, although in such a gentlemanly
fashion that it always turns out he has never said anything out of
turn. And finally, he fixes me with a look as if to say, 'I know you do
not like to hurt me, so I am at a loss to know why you should insist
upon it so frequently.'"
"That's amazing," she murmured.
"Yes, I know he is."
"No,
what you just managed without training as a ladies' maid--it hurts
dreadfully to take down a fashionable snarl like that, when Cecile does
it."
The first time I took down Irene's hair had been on a train, a journey
between Vienna and Paris on an operatic tour of La donna del
lago,
and a mistake had been made about sleeping cars. We were fast friends
by that time, and so affected not to be sleepy at all, preferring to
drink in a private sitting car and watch the lights of the towns fade
and talk of music all the night through. I was twenty, Irene nineteen.
We were sharing a cigarette at four in the morning when she began
rubbing at her temples in exhaustion, and I simply leaned over and
began taking it down. I think it was the greatest liberty I have ever
taken with anyone, but she knew even then I was no threat to her. In
fact, she made a point of ribbing me over the lovelorn dandies I had
been abandoning from town to town, congratulating me that my approach
would be unlikely to lead to any unexpected heirs fifteen years later.
"What
of you?" I asked, not really desiring a new topic but aware that one
was required. One cannot wax on about holding an eternal torch for a
man who resides forty feet away from one's own bedroom for longer than
ten minutes without feeling entirely ridiculous--and I had truly missed
Irene. "Any conquests?"
"One," she said with a strangely
wistful smile. "Of the Sapphic variety, for the first time in...oh,
years. Is it years now? And this...this, Sherlock,
will shock you immensely."
"You
revealed to her the jealously guarded secret that feminine hysteria
treatments could be come by more passionately than a visit to a
neurologist?"
"Yes, of course I did," she smiled, "but I found
myself...not begrudging, precisely, never that, but...damn it, what do
I mean to say? What I wanted wasn't her, when it came down to the fact.
Her attributes were never in question; barely five foot waifs of the
Musetta type I find endlessly charming, particularly when she is fluent
in Czech, of all the lovely happenstances in the
world, but
there was an inexplicable...weariness to it all. Perhaps I find I have
reached a point in my life when I have very little desire to teach
anyone anything."
"Admittedly, that is not what I expected you to say. I have never known
you to flinch from beneficial carnal instruction."
"I
was in the mood to be owned, and I wasn't," she said softly. "It wasn't
her fault. Sometimes one would prefer to hand over the reins a bit."
"I
am past distinguishing separate erotic moods," I admitted. "It has been
over six months, after all. I would probably accept the advances of a
French poodle if it were groomed deceptively enough."
"Whyever has...six months?" she asked, blankly
shocked.
"Because
one doesn't go out in search of a new umbrella when what one requires
is a roof over one's head. Or at least, the thinking man cannot manage
to stomach it."
"Do you know what I think?" She looked down at
the surface of her vanity, and then back up at my ravens'-head
countenance in the mirror, pale and aristocratic and now that I noticed
it, terribly sad. "I think the Doctor loves you."
I was silent. Silent for too long for Irene not to smile at me.
"Why,
don't you think he loves you? See the way he follows you, the sort of
dangers you lead him into, and he questions none of them."
"He may well act as if he harbours some affections for me, to be sure."
"I am right, then, and your problem is solved."
"Irene,
even if you were right, what the devil does that solve?" I demanded
acidly. "Suppose he does not love me, and I tell him the fix I'm in. He
is shocked, he thinks it over, he recovers, he offers his hand in
friendship to me, and he slowly but surely leaves our home--feeling for
my situation but finding it impossible to make me a positive answer, he
departs, knowing my mind will ever tend toward his...charms.
Heartbreaking. Suppose he does love me? Suppose he accepts my offer,
knowing nothing of the sort of life I lead or the consequences it could
have for him, blindly following me out of a misplaced platonic
attachment?"
"The sort of life you lead?" she laughed. "It's
the same life, Sherlock. Yours and his. Twenty hours a day, if not
more, between the fact of your cohabiting and the fact of your
remarkable gift for detection. You are only talking about the addition
of four hours."
"God, but those four hours," I could not help but sigh tragically.
This provoked a long, throaty laugh. "Poor little darling."
"It
happened in the very first glimpse I had of him, if you can believe it.
That was why I went to you for help in the first place. He has a face
that a man might die for."
She grinned. "I must admit to you,
when a being of that quality appears in my view, I take notice. The
first time I saw you together, I supposed your current residence a
Heaven, not a Purgatory."
"It'll be Hades itself if I don't do something about it soon. Those
four hours will be the death of me."
It
might seem strange, our talking about such things together. A gentleman
in a sordid and dangerous profession and an artistic lady of
questionable background, pondering the deeper mysteries of sex.
Theatrical people are of a different breed, however, and Irene and I of
a still different breed from that. The first time we had such a
conversation, it had been my doing. Irene had spent two full days
casting her lovely almond eyes at the strapping managing director of
the opera house we had landed ourselves in, without any sign of
impending success. Then I had, in her full view for a lark, dropped my
pocket handkerchief of all things. Once I had thanked the gentleman for
its return, I joined her in the alcove stairs leading up to the fly
system and the huge painted backdrops. "That, o Goddess of the
Feminine," I had said, "is how it's done." She couldn't look at my
pocket handkerchief for a full week without laughing, and after that we
made considerable hay out of the "divvying up of spoils." I only wished
the current topic were so trivial.
"Those four hours could surely be improved if you weren't acting such a
callow suitor."
"I'll ruin him."
"Why should you ruin him, if you love him?"
"Because
of who and what I am, and who and what he is not," I replied, smiling
ruefully at her. "But I need not pretend to you that my motives for
remaining silent are entirely altruistic. The other half is pure
terror."
"But why should such a kindly fellow as that frighten you?"
"For the same reason," I sighed. "Because of who and what I am, and who
and what he is not."
The
crux of the matter was, whereas I am defenseless against the whims of
music, John Watson seemed to be defenseless against me. I am his
Achilles heel, whether he loves me or not. As such, knowing my own
volatility as I do, I have come to see myself as something of a hazard
where he is concerned. An unsheathed weapon which could easily maim a
man I would die for in a heartbeat, if only he asked me. It was a neat
level of hell, and if I had believed in his existence, I would have
congratulated the Evil One for his creative irony.
Irene
frowned, but not in disagreement. She was merely thinking. "I see the
same gentility in him that you do, but I would term it strength and not
weakness. His innocence is the pliable sort, I think, a kind of natural
resilience against the dark. I know you to own a shadowed side, my
darling, but you would never exploit him, knowing it is there."
"I already have done."
"How?"
"By
allowing him to see that I need him more than anything in the world.
That is a heavy chain, Irene, when presented unasked-for. That's what
I've done."
"I would wager that he does not see it as the
great burden you do," she said in a peculiarly soft tone. "Your needing
someone is...I don't know if you realize it, but for a man of your
independence to need anyone is quite wonderful. I think so, at any
rate."
For a moment I could think of nothing to say. Irene
drew a melancholy little breath. It confused me, but I didn't want her
to see it. So I reached up and tugged at a pair of ivory combs, and
then my fingers were lost in a cascade of auburn, gushing in
innumerable satin ripples down over her slender back. A mind like mine
lives for moments such as these--when what was once a mystery, an
impenetrable knot, is suddenly untied and the strands lie before you.
Every separate piece visible, the origins and the ends made clear.
Smiling, I handed over her combs. And even then I lingered, savouring
the tactile reward in my fingertips of a problem solved.
"Irene," I ventured, "do you ever think of hell?"
"Life
with Godfrey, you mean?" she answered coolly. "Not unless I see it. It
has nearly faded entirely, I am happy to tell you."
"No, no,"
I hastened to say, drawing my fingers through the tighter waves at the
nape of her neck, "not the man who resides safely distant in Marseilles
and whose satisfaction I would demand on the instant he set foot in
Lille and so much as glanced at a seaworthy craft." She smiled at me, a
thank you, and I continued. "I mean damnation."
"What has damnation to do with a champion of justice?"
"Nothing, I suppose, but...do you never wish to be different than you
are?"
"Oh,"
she sighed. "Yes. Yes, I do see what you mean. And yes, I...often wish
that. It was cantata fifty-four that did this to your mood, wasn't it?
I know how you are when Bach worms his way into your blood. Well,
dearest, they do say you can ask forgiveness and all will then be quite
magically well again."
The snide tilt which sprang to my lips
was not directed at Irene, but at myself. "May one be pardon'd and
retain the offense?" I inquired.
Irene's eye had wandered
away, however, looking at nothing in the vicinity of her vanity table.
Suddenly she gripped one of my hands, my right hand, and brought it
palm facing outward to the side of her face before letting it slip
through her fingers.
"You needn't worry about hell, Sherlock
Holmes," she whispered. "Hell is living in solitary confinement. And
you, my friend, are not alone."
"I've upset you," I said quickly. "We'll talk of--"
"No, let us continue to talk of you,"
she suggested with a laugh that was almost a groan. She let her head
fall into her hands for a moment, elbows resting on the vanity, and
then she rose to her feet and turn to face me. Mrs. Irene Norton,
dressed as if for a ball with her hair falling helter-skelter round her
shoulders. "I have no advice to beg of you in return, after all, for I
know how to live my life. So let us talk of you for
a while longer, and see if we make any progress."
"I find that the act is inconvenient to you," I protested in what was
genuinely more concern than the parody of it.
"What
might I be doing at this very moment that you are inconveniencing?" she
cried, her voice shaking. "Drinking champagne at a gala? Listening to
callow beaus who want to be taught how to suffer for love? Lying in my
bed watching the earth revolve? Do any of those things sound preferable
to you? No, let us get back to the true topic of conversation, which is
you, has always been you, from
the instant you arrived."
"Irene, do stop this."
She gripped me by the lapels. "Make me stop it."
In an effort to steady her, for her weight was slipping God only knows
where, my hands went round her waist.
"Remind me where we left off," she demanded violently. "Oh, yes, you
were in love."
"None of my deliberate doing, I assure you," I snapped, badly startled.
"I
know just what you must do," she whispered through her tears. "No,
don't speak, I beg of you. Grant me only that, if nothing more. You
must go at once to Covent Garden--"
"Irene," I pleaded.
"Mark
me!" she cried, shaking me by my dinner jacket. "You must buy three
dozen hothouse roses, only the best variety, the exquisite sort we
always used to tease one another over finding in our dressing rooms.
Spend a fortune. That shouldn't be difficult, considering the time of
year. Make certain every stem is perfect, every petal pristine. Take
them home to him. When you open the door and you find him there, do not
give them to him--lay them all at his feet. Spread them out a little,
kneeling. When you have done that, look up at him. Don't speak at
first. Then say--"
"Stop it now," I ordered, trying only to keep a
steady hold of her.
"Say, 'Ask me for anything on earth.' And then--"
"Irene,
why in bloody hell would you ask me to propose to John Watson in the
exact same fashion that Godfrey Norton, curse him for an utter villain,
proposed to you?" I demanded.
"So that some good might come of it," she gasped. "So that you don't
end up like me."
When
the tears fell in earnest a moment later, she did let me hold her. But
not for long. After a minute had passed, she pushed me gently away and
went back to her vanity table, passing a silken kerchief over her eyes.
Then she folded it, looking at me once more in the mirror.
"Life
is tempo, Sherlock," she said quietly. "You live it at various speeds
and urgencies, and the only thing worth wishing for is that you live
the right one at the right time. Look at me. I am allegretto
grazioso,
have been all my days, and it will never avail me a thing. I am a happy
person who is unhappy by purest accident, but what of that? So be it.
Now, you, on the other hand, are living vivacissimo, and
con brio
at that, so as not to fall apart when you stop. You have to change it,
Sherlock. Change it for me if not for yourself. Join the Doctor in his
cantabile,
if only for interludes, and be happy with him. You think slowing down
at all will drop you straight into hell, but it won't--and even if it
does on occasion, he will be there with you. Tell me you will change
your tempo, my darling, and that you'll do it tonight."
"I have never before even attempted such a thing," I said to her
helplessly.
"Then
I shall put it another way. On the next occasion you come here, Mr.
Holmes, I need you to belong to him. Will you do that for me?" she
whispered.
I think I stopped breathing for a moment. I hated
myself for it, but I could not help it any more than an animal can
control flinching away from a fire. This was wrong, in every way, and
in an instant of panic, I could only ask myself how much of it was my
fault.
Irene walked, swaying her perfect curves, over to a
dressing screen in the corner of the room with a Japanese scene of
cherry blossoms painted upon it. She was behind the barrier for two
minutes, facing away from me. When she emerged, she was utterly bare.
I
knew in my mind she was exquisite even as my tastes screamed otherwise.
The curves of her breasts were supple with candlelight and shadow, and
the gentle arc of her thighs mysterious and sweetly simple all at once.
It had been literally years since I had seen the nude figure of a
woman, and I was surprised by how comely she was in an abstract
sense--pleasing in the most elemental way, like the fall of a French
phrase or a patch of bluebells in the woods. The quality of Irene's
skin is the sort you sometimes see in medieval paintings, a pale
virginal translucency although Irene is no virgin. One can see that she
is not. There is a nearly invisible lash scar just above the jut of her
hip bone on the left hand side. She walked straight up to me and put a
hand on my chest.
"Forgive me," I asked her.
She nodded. Her face was horribly expressionless. Then she smiled at
me, or tried to.
"I
already have," she said. "And anyway, there was nothing whatever to
forgive. I am fond of everything you are, and the things you find
beautiful make you Sherlock Holmes. I only grew used to your needing
me, a little. That's all. A bad habit when one is alone--but you are a
man who understands bad habits, and so will pardon me in turn for
having missed you so while you were gone."
Irene went to a
wardrobe and began pulling out pieces of men's attire. They were all
tailored to fit her frame, but they hid her femininity wonderfully, and
her curves were slowly hidden away from me again. A pair of drawers. An
undervest, tighter than any man would wear it, hugging her torso. Black
trousers, and the rounded swell of flesh entirely disappeared. A shirt
of sky blue that suited the richness of her coloring beautifully, and
her bosom was gone. A waistcoat, a collar, a cravat expertly tugged
into place and then fixed with a pearl in the mirror. Reaching for a
loose ribbon, she tied her hair back, and I wondered what George Sand
must have looked like dressed very nearly as Irene was now--walking the
streets of Paris thinking feverishly of Frederic Chopin, dismissing
cold reason "deliberately and with a sort of frantic joy." When Irene
returned to me, she stood on the tips of her booted toes and kissed me
on the cheek, very much like herself again.
"Just as a
temporary and frivolous measure this evening, I would pay a thousand
pounds for you to be fooled by this costume," she said coyly.
I
was startled into laughing, which pursed her mouth in amusement. She
reached forward and plucked the starflower from my lapel. I had
forgotten it was there. She tucked it behind her ear.
"Irene, will you tell me one thing, even if I don't merit the
confidence?"
"Provided
it is not the name of my tailor. There ought to be one man in London
more dashing than you are on the streets, and I fully intend to remain
that personage."
I hesitated, but I had to know. My curiosity
is a living devil and I am well aware of it, a monster just as
insatiable as sin itself. Sometimes I wonder what lengths I might be
driven to in order to ascertain exact data, and I shudder at myself.
"Before you married him, did you love Godfrey Norton?"
Irene's
warm brown eyes peered at me for a moment as if she were very far away,
perhaps in another world entirely. "I love him even now. What a
damnable, vile--you spoke of hell a moment ago. Well, there we have a
still better definition for the word hell than
solitude. If I were to see him again in the flesh, the wretched
creature, I don't even know that I could--"
"But you never shall," I assured her. "See him again in the flesh, I
mean to say. That is where I come in."
When
she smiled that time, it dawned on me that it was the first instant she
had felt truly pleased since the moment of my arrival. Or perhaps valued
is a more apt word.
"Let
us roam the night free as the wild forest wolves, bound only by our
honours and the limits of our invention," she suggested, linking her
arm with mine as I reached for my hat and she did the same.
"Separately, of course. Hunters such as we two do not trail their prey
in packs. Although once, when I was in Milan, I met with the most
delectable trio--two young actors in a touring production of The
Tempest, one with an Italian belle on his arm who didn't
speak a word of English, and after sharing a bottle of brandy we--"
"Trade secrets," I admonished her with a single finger tapping my lips.
"I knew you hadn't drunk enough champagne."
When
the chill of the night surrounded us and the door of the music hall's
side entrance had closed, we slowed our pace as we walked toward the
street beyond. The little amount of snow which had managed to fall in
that narrow space was improbably white for London, a rare swath of
virgin ground that sparkled in the moonlight. I caught the drape of my
watch chain in my fingertips, clasping the gold sovereign, and I lifted
it in the direction of Irene's eyes.
"I wouldn't wear this if I didn't truly need you, you know."
"Buy the roses and do as I say this very night," she commanded all too
hoarsely when we reached the pavement. "Promise me."
"I promise," I replied.
"Then ravish him until he has forgotten all language save the word
'more,' and you've--"
"For mercy's sake, desist, my dear girl."
Bending down, I kissed her fingertips.
"Goodnight, Irene."
"Goodnight, Mr. Sherlock Holmes," she smiled as we turned in opposite
directions.
The
weather had turned altogether freezing as I turned back towards the
main thoroughfares. I bought the three dozen roses because I had
promised her, but I gave them away one by one. A lady with a foxfur
hat, a gentleman with a lavender cravat, a girl in a short cape. They
thought me drunk, perhaps, but I didn't care. I didn't want them in my
house.
In our house.
All the time I walked, I thought it through.
I
still had over a dozen blooms in my hands, having dropped several upon
doorsteps to provide the occupants with pleasurable mysteries, when I
heard an unmistakable sound. It was the sound of a good violinist
playing a very, very bad violin.
This particular violinist was so skilled, in fact, that Schubert's
unmatchable Serenade
reached my ears rising and falling and entirely intact. And suddenly I
was the same as the waves in the Channel far away and the arch of the
bare tree branches and the white flakes which were beginning to fall
from the sky, and I caught my breath when I could manage to employ any
of my muscles usefully. The flute embellishments were singing in my
head from memory, but before I was accosted or robbed, I managed to
pull myself together and seek out the player.
He was twelve,
if even that. He stood on the corner of two wide streets not far from
the edge of the Park, under a gas lamp, playing a battered instrument
without so much as fingerless gloves on. Only a thin coat with
discernible holes under the arms. I went over to him and set the
remaining roses against the wall in the snow. He stopped.
"You won't keep those long, settin' em down that way," he observed.
"You can sell them, if you like," I replied. "I don't need them."
His
grime-ringed eyes squinted darkly at me. "Now, see here, Mister, I'll
play another for you and gladly, but I ain't one for--"
"Nothing of the kind," I said firmly. "I only wondered if I might join
you for a brief while."
The boy's eyes lit on my violin case and he granted me a wry smile.
"Not too keen on home and hearth just now?"
"I
cannot quite stomach the notion yet," I granted easily, pulling out my
own instrument when he comprehended I meant him no harm.
"Had a row with her, did you? You oughter keep the roses, then. That
says pax better than most anything."
"Truly?"
"My da used to bring daises some summers," he shrugged. "When he still
came round."
"And it worked, you say?"
"Like a charm. Before he'd had a drink, anywise," he added.
"Back to the Schubert, then," I sighed, "whilst I consider it."
I think we played for an hour, all told. Serenade
is what I recall best, for that was one of the loveliest duets I have
ever participated in, but we went on afterwards into Handel and God
Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
and six or seven music hall tunes. When the boy's hat was full of money
and his fingers looked blue enough to fall off, I sank down to my
haunches to put my Strad back in its case.
"If you ever
require a somewhat warmer occupation, I am often in need of
assistance," I said, looking into his eyes. They were green. They
flared with suspicion again at this remark, but I forestalled it. "To
be honest, it's mainly reconnaissance work, although you could as
easily call it spying. You needn't give me your name, but tell me, my
good man, can you read if I write something down for you?"
"Why would I want to read something from the likes of you?" he
challenged, his eyes flicking away abashedly.
Still
hovering near the ground, I found a pencil stub and drew a simple
sketch in my pocketbook. I tore out the page and handed it to him.
"You see the Park, where the trees are?"
He nodded reluctantly.
"And the grid of streets? In what street is that star with the three
numbers writ next to it, do you suppose?"
"That's easy enough. Baker Street."
"Well,
that is where I live, and my name is Sherlock Holmes." Rising, I
offered him my hand. "Farewell, my good man. Thank you for your
company."
I was ten steps away when he called, "You've forgot the roses."
"I haven't," I smiled. "Consider them my payment for Serenade
when you sell them." I tipped my hat to him.
I was twenty further steps along when he blurted, "Cartwright!"
I
stopped again. All the money was safely stowed in his pockets now, the
roses in his arms a promise of considerably more, and the hat back on
his small head.
"Tom," he added, coughing and then drawing his sleeve over his mouth.
"Tom Cartwright."
"It is my very great pleasure to meet you, Cartwright," I announced.
And then there was no good thing to be done for him save only walking
away.
I
hastened my pace. There was not much left to consider by that time, and
I was nearly home. Time enough, however, to wonder whether the five
minutes' journey remaining was sufficient to work out the way the
universe was constructed, so that I could better guess whether I might
be granted my heart's desire if I asked for it prettily enough. Time
enough for panic. And time enough also for an inkling of relief that it
would all soon be over one way or the other, even if my life was
finished. The simplicity was appealing.
Either God was merciful to cruel men, or He was not. That was all there
was to it.
There
are those who know me who would laugh to think I believe in God or Fate
or what you will. But that is because they pay me too much attention
when I speak. I may not think often about the solar
system, may
in fact make childish and flippant remarks about it, but nevertheless I
know it is there. As for a Clockmaker, I grant I cannot see Him. But
both science and art inform me daily of Him, and while I have devoted
my life to the former, the latter rules my soul. There are so many
things in this world which could not exist save in the presence of a
benevolent Mind. The flowers. Bravery. Climax. The candour of children.
These doubtless all exist for scientific reasons, as Darwin has proven,
and yet from them one can easily deduce an artful Presence behind the
practical value. As for art itself, there are five separate composers
who have utterly convinced me there is a God, and ten more that at the
very least there is a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how
we will. Art is not necessary for life to exist, and yet it has been
given to us. And how many other superfluities, how many sacred extras,
can I list? Laughter. Mortality. Empathy.
Forgiveness from a loved one when a man has made an unforgivably stupid
mistake.
I
turned onto Baker Street, staring at the snow caked into the
windowsills. So few steps remained to be taken, so very few, and yet
how difficult every one of them was. I should not have been surprised
if I had fallen through the pavement, I felt so heavy in my own skin.
Then my key was out and a moment later I was inside.
A light shone from the upper storey through the crack below the door.
I
made it as far as the banister rail before I gripped it with both
hands, my brow falling to meet the newel post. I stayed like that, just
breathing, for nearly two minutes, I think.
Slower. It won't hurt you.
I breathed, through my nose like a swift and silent predator,
and tried harder.
Vivace.
I exhaled, my fingers clutching the wood with a passion.
There, see the difference? You are still here. Allegro moderato, now.
I made my mind a deliberate blank for three entire seconds
before it flew back to him.
Better. Be still, be still, be still. Allegretto. Good man.
Now moderato expressivo. Please. If you can only reach--
The
door above me creaked open and I could see Watson silhouetted in the
firelight. When he glimpsed me, his head tilted in concern
automatically before it returned to a more distant attitude of
lingering anger. Then he came a few steps forward, reaching out to
touch the identical newel post above me. He didn't say a word.
I
placed my foot on the first step. I think it was the hardest thing I've
ever done. By the time I had nearly reached Watson's level, I thought I
was going to explode with the severity of my nerves, but all at once he
stepped down to meet me and I arrested my climb. I gripped the banister
rail. We could neither of us see each other very well, in the dim spill
of light from the sitting room fire. Nevertheless I could discern every
particle of his being, for I had studied them all so devoutly that I
would know them in the pitch dark.
"I am never going to Heaven," I told him.
Watson
had been two steps above me. Now he stepped further down, and in that
position he was precisely my height. Our eyes bored straight through
one another, and I could feel the very breath from his lips. My
friend's hand reached up to catch at my shoulder.
"My dear fellow, whatever can you mean? Are you all right?"
I
shook my head and took his hand off my shoulder. Once I had it,
however, I did not give it back to him. I held it with both my own,
running my fingers over his palm, trying to breathe. Our bodies were
very nearly touching, and I know the fabric of my waistcoat brushed his
lapel.
Those four hours. I would give anything on earth for them.
"I didn't even know you believed in God, Holmes."
As it happens, evidence of His existence appears before my
eyes nearly every morning, I could have said. At
around nine, usually. I never mentioned it to you.
He
smelled faintly of sage and the cigar he had been smoking. I would give
up eternity itself for those four hours. Bach had the music that
coursed through his brain, but I knew a still headier paradise than
that. Bach, I fear, was not nearly so enthusiastic a sinner as am I.
"For
mercy's sake, Holmes, has something terrible happened? Please say
something. I never met a nobler man than you in all my life, so I can
at least assure you that you are wrong to--"
"I'm not going to
Heaven, my friend," I insisted though my throat seemed to be
malfunctioning. "I am a rogue and a liar and a coward and--oh,
countless other things. But what I meant to ask you--I think, very
probably, I could have my piece of Heaven here with you. In London."
Watson stopped breathing.
"Here I could be pardoned, and yet retain the offense," I added.
He gazed back at me, perfectly still.
"I wouldn't deserve it," I continued blindly, looking down. "But
Christ, how I would try."
John
Watson's other hand came up to still my caressing of his fingers. He
waited, for an embarrassingly long period, until I finally managed to
look him in the face once more.
"You already told me that earlier this evening when you played your
violin, didn't you?" he inquired.
"Yes," I whispered.
"How extraordinary," he murmured. "I thought I only heard what I wished
you were saying. Forgive me."