I sat in the driver's seat of the little car with my elbow resting
upon the ledge of the open window, the tendrils of my cigarette smoke
drifting lazily away from me in the stagnant air. The engine
still
emitted tiny pings and clatters, but after a moment stilled itself into
quiescence. I had no notion of how long I was to wait, but I
settled
back into the leather as if preparing for a nightlong
vigil. A wide
swath of stars was visible through the dusty glass before me, hanging
in the sultry night over the chalk cliffs and the tides and the wisps
of sea spray. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes for
moment's
peace, but when confronted with nothing but the scattered
confusion of
my thoughts, I quickly opened them again. Perhaps a
walk. I had never
walked the cliff edges in such an eerie calm, and some part of the
night's stillness felt warm and comforting. But no--I had
been told to
wait, and chauffeurs do not leave their vehicles unattended while
kicking stones into the sea.
I checked the time, reflecting
briefly and bitterly on the phrase, "Wait for me." Sighing, I
returned
the watch to my waistcoat pocket. Ten minutes had
passed. They had
felt like an hour, but I have never been a good judge of time when in
the midst of heightened circumstances, and the events I'd already
experienced that day recalled to my mind a
series of shattering
occurrences in the year 1894. But that was twenty
years ago, I thought to myself, and everything
reminds you of something else now. I threw the
stub of cigarette to the ground and rubbed my face with my hands.
My
shoulder had set itself to aching and I stretched it
gingerly. Vigils
were never my strong point. I allowed my mind to wander in
the most
imaginative and disquieting fashion, for I had never learned
the trick
of emptying myself of thought and waiting in the darkness like a silent
beast of prey. What had I theorized to myself all
those years ago as
we sat watching the windows of Stoke Moran, I mused, or crouched deep
in bank vaults resting our backs against crates of French
gold? I
could no longer remember. I was not surprised. The
crimes and their
solutions were by now so fixed in my mind that my own
erroneous
hypotheses were beyond my recall. The flush of sympathetic
pride at
their successful conclusions, my joy at the small part I had
played--these were still as vivid as if they had taken place
that very
morning. Somehow this irritated me. I reached for
another cigarette.
The
door of the low-gabled house opened and the man I had been waiting for
strode out of it down the smooth-edged garden path, the
lounging and
surly shuffle he had used to approach the house replaced by
easy
catlike strides. I had not seen them in over two
years, and my heart
quickened against my will. By the time he had tossed what
appeared to
be a damp, heavy sponge over the cliff wall and returned to my little
window, wiping his slender hands on his pocket handkerchief in an
elaborate show of finality, my heart was in my throat and there was
nothing whatsoever I could do about it. No doubt
he can taste it,
I thought ironically when he leaned his head through the window and
kissed me deeply. He smelled of tobacco and
chloroform. I did not
care. I kissed him all the deeper for it, I am afraid.
"Shouldn't
I be allowed a say in the matter?" I asked, laughing. We lay
entangled
lazily upon a large four-poster, the linens of which we had utterly
decimated. Holmes was nestled in the crook of my bare arm
looking up
at me with glinting eyes which had lost not a whit of their sharpness
over the passage of his sixty years. I could not stop staring
at him,
not because he had changed so significantly, but because he was so
astonishingly the same. There had never been an ounce of
superfluous
flesh on that sinewy form, and there remained none, and though
his
hands had roughened they retained their inquisitive
sensitivity. There
were creases at the edges of his black lashes, granted, and the sweep
of his hairline, always dramatic and devastatingly
intellectual, ended
in a slightly more pronounced widow's peak that it had when he was
young. Like my own hair and moustache, his temples were
entirely
silver, as was the object which was at that moment under
discussion.
"You will be allowed a say in the matter, as you put it, if and only if
you agree with me unreservedly," he sighed.
"That hardly seems an allowance. I call it most
undemocratic
if I am only to be granted an opinion that tallies with your own."
"My
goatee is not a democracy," he smiled, speaking into my neck.
"It is a
hellish abomination, and I must rid the world of it. Even if
I were
not a criminal investigator, my conscience would compel me to do so."
I
shrugged. "I am merely a doctor, and have no such lofty moral
obligations." The merest mention of my profession sent a pang
of
unease through my chest. "But in all objectivity,
you are right. It
is most disturbing."
He tugged at it distastefully and crawled
on top of me. "It is the second greatest sacrifice I have
made for my
country," he declared.
I had not expected such an opening. I
was not often granted them, and had already determined to use my
chagrin at his aloofness as an impetus to broach the miserable
confession I would have to make to him before the night was
out. I
cleared my throat.
"What is the first?"
"I am not a young
man," he said softly. "And even if I were, I would not
willingly lose
two years with you at any one person's request. The
future of England
itself, of course, must count for rather more." He kissed me
lightly
and set about retrieving his scattered attire.
I followed suit
with a heart all the heavier for his confession. He was not
meant to
say such things. To my surprise, I felt almost needled by
it.
Plucking my cravat from the chaos of the German spy Von Bork's
bedroom
floor, I twisted it in my hands until I registered Holmes' keen gaze
upon my face as he slipped into his trousers. Smiling at him,
I said,
"Age is a relative thing. I felt twenty years younger when
you asked
me to meet you at Harwich with the car."
"That accounts for your appearance," he replied languidly.
"You look the same blithe boy as ever."
"Such
an outrageous compliment only undermines your powers
of observation and
my good sense," I retorted, crossing to him and beginning to button the
shirt he had thrown over his slim shoulders.
"Nonsense. My
powers of observation are undiminished. I would say the
same for my
powers of dressing myself, but far be it from me to deny you a small
pleasure."
He was watching me button his shirtfront amusedly. I
wanted to be close to him. I wanted for him never
to have left me for
a year's false identity building in America, and then another
endless
year's tireless efforts underground. I wanted him to have
wired me a
week earlier. A mere week within a hundred
would have made every
difference. The thought set my heart fluttering once more,
and I
turned away from him to hastily don my own clothes.
"I will just
check on your erstwhile colleague," I said swiftly, and brushed past
him to the door, shutting it carefully behind me.
The German lay
prone upon his sofa, dead to the world in the depths of the
chloroform
dosage Holmes had administered
with the carefully soaked sponge. I
knew my friend had no desire to do Von Bork any
permanent harm,
but when I pulled back an eyelid and took the agent's pulse, I
knew two
things: one, that Holmes had made certain I need not fear
standing in
my shirtsleeves in his study for the rest of the night if I
cared to do
so, and two, that my patient would awaken the next morning
very suddenly and with a devastating headache.
Holmes entered
quietly behind me, also partially dressed. "We
needn't worry about the
German menace for the night at least," he said, eying me
thoughtfully. "Martha is likewise fast asleep, though by
natural
means. She is most gratifyingly hard of hearing. I
was only dressing
to retrieve this, in fact," he added, lifting a dusty wine bottle and
surveying the label with roguish pleasure. "You've no
objection to
Imperial Tokay, I imagine? It is from Franz Joseph's special
cellar at
the Schoenbrunn Palace, but we needn't begrudge it its origins."
"Just
the thing," I assented, affecting a merriment I did not feel as I
located a pair of wine glasses in a windowed sideboard. "How
thoughtful of Von Bork to work out
that I adore this wine. He really
is extravagantly generous for a German agent."
"Though a
good-natured enough sportsman, he is only moderately generous," Holmes
smiled. "It is I who happen to know your taste in wine."
I turned around in astonishment with the glasses as
Holmes found a
corkscrew in the desk. "You requested this wine?"
"As
a gesture with which to toast our success at the close of our labours,
yes. He does me these little favours. I argued it
would be the
perfect vintage with which to toast a remarkable partnership.
Our
friend of the sofa imagined I was referring to him. He will
doubtless
be a trifle put out when he discovers I was not."
"He has
greater cause for anger than the loss of a bottle of wine, Imperial
Tokay or no," I muttered, shaking my head at Holmes' endless capacity
to surprise me. Filling the glasses, he lifted both and
passed one to
me. He raised his silently as I did the same; I held myself
steady
enough for a few moments when our eyes met,
but soon I turned away.
Holmes sipped from his glass, expressionless, then set it down upon the
desk.
"It is a good wine, Holmes," I said appreciatively.
My
companion took a moment to reply. "A remarkable
wine, Watson." He
paced slowly out from behind the desk, stopping to lean upon it with
one hip, his arms crossed judiciously. "I
had imagined it would merely
serve our pleasure, but now I rather hope that it will fulfill the
other function of a good wine. In vino veritas, after
all,
my dear fellow. Now, what on earth is troubling
you? If I did not
know you better, I would think you were about to confess some ghastly
affair in my absence." He spoke lightly, his posture
deliberately
casual, but his grey eyes were very serious indeed.
I very
nearly laughed before recalling how much worse was the
reality. "You
imagine two years an impossible feat of fidelity for a sixty-two year
old man?"
"When you recall that just half an hour ago I had the
pleasure of re-examining the stamina and enthusiasm of the subject, you
will perhaps reconsider the value of that excuse," he said shortly.
This
time I did laugh. "Thank you. But what on earth put
such an idea in
your head? Have you been dallying with red-blooded American
swells?
Or perhaps your taste runs more toward immigrant Irish police
officers?"
"If I had been 'dallying' with such, it would hardly be wise to tell
you, would it?"
My mouth sagged slightly. "And have you?"
"Of course not!" he scoffed with an exaggerated toss of his
aquiline head. "I am not ruled by my passions, after
all."
"Holmes,"
I said, making only a half-hearted attempt to hide
my amusement, "I am
hardly a voluptuary. Other people besides yourself have the
ability to
master their passions, and your line of questioning frankly does
neither of us any credit."
"You still have not answered my question," he growled. "If
you had only embarked on a casual liaison, I should not mind--"
"Oh,
shouldn't you?" I interrupted him in some exasperation. He
looked for
a moment as he had when he was thirty-one, when in the course of a
meeting at the Yard I had favored a
particularly virile young inspector
with one casual glance too many. He had deduced my attraction
dispassionately, pronounced he did not mind in the slightest when we
arrived home, and then subjected me to four hours of the most exquisite
torture, at the end of which, to his evident gratification, I could no
longer recall the young fellow's name.
"No, I shouldn't," he
insisted, with a hurt expression. "Not when you look
as if you are
trying to tell me something which I shall enjoy far, far less, if that
were even possible."
"Holmes," I breathed at once, in a rush of
affection, "I have not made any new acquaintance while you were
gone.
I love you. I have loved you for a very, very long time."
His
eyes crinkled in a way I had first identified correctly five
years
back. The expression had appeared in his younger days,
without the fan
of sympathetic lines, to be disbelief, and had led to
arguments. I had
only recently realized that it was gratitude. Looking at him
as he
stood there, I thought briefly that no man in history better deserved a
biographer, and quietly congratulated myself. I no longer
cared that
my mind formed literary phrases about him as he stood before
me. I had
loved him for too long to begrudge him the place he occupied within me.
"Holmes,"
I repeated, "I love you. I will make you believe me even if
it is to
be my life's work. As, at this point, it certainly
appears to be.
Now, come here."
I have been kissed countless times by Sherlock
Holmes, although my biographer's exactitude, not to mention my
continuing lover's obsession, wishes to know the exact
number. Is it a
thousand times? Five thousand? If I calculate
five a day for several
decades--but no. Calculation has not always been my
friend. Suffice
it to say I do not think he ever kissed me with more tenderness, or
greater relief.
I stole a glance as our lips parted. He was
smiling again. I felt the old, familiar desire which wanted
him to
smile forever and then quickly realized, for the hundredth time,
that I
would never love him so if he did.
"After all," he said gently,
in reply to my expression as I gazed up at him, "we can talk about it
at home. Now come back to bed." He left me with a
hand trailing
gently along in mine, but his lax fingers lost their grip when I remain
fixed to the floor.
"Holmes," I said, very quietly, speaking
through a stabbing ache deep within my chest, "I am not going
back to
Baker Street. That is, I will not be staying."
He turned. I knew that posture of exaggerated calm all too
well.
"Why not?" he asked evenly.
"I've
re-enlisted," I whispered. I took a deep sip of
wine. I had said it,
at least. Come what may, I could cease tormenting myself over
how to
say it.
Holmes tapped a bare foot impatiently and then calmed
himself with an unbelieving shake of his head. "Watson, I
fear my time
in America may have hampered my ability to comprehend more traditional
English. I thought I just heard you say you had re-enlisted,
which is
impossible. Surely you have not waited these two
years to take such a
ridiculous action."
My hands clenched involuntarily, for Holmes
was wrong. Would that I had never taken the
trouble to ascertain the
exact figure, for the knowledge had led to rash choices, but
at that
moment I was seized with a formidable desire to tell Holmes exactly how
wrong he was.
"I have not waited for you for two years," I said
clearly, shocked at the bile which had crept into my own
voice. "I
have waited for you for seven."
Holmes' brows flew up at odd
angles to one another, his impatience steadily growing.
"Watson,
whatever can you mean? Or are you privy to information which
has
escaped my notice? It is 1914, after all?"
"Of course it is."
"Then I really do not follow the thread of your remark."
"I
can see that you do not," said I with great frustration. "Let
me
enlighten you. Your most recent absence spanned two
years. When one
takes into account the events which I for some reason saw fit
to
chronicle under the title 'The Adventure of the Empty
House'--ironically enough when I look back on the last twenty-five
months--that figure increases to five years. The other gaps
which I
have included in my accounting are admittedly smaller affairs,
though
none shorter than a month. They add up to
seven years, all told, and
may I add I only included those absences also distinguished because
your life was in danger throughout."
He stared at me in astonishment, though his visage also
appeared to be slowly clouding with anger.
"Seven
years waiting, Holmes," I repeated. "It is a long
time. Although I
concede I was in some doubt over whether I should include the
Reichenbach Falls matter, as I thought it at the time to be mourning,
not waiting."
Holmes' dormant defenses leapt to attention at
this statement, and he appeared for a fleeting
second to wish to pummel
me to the ground. "If you dare to equate my most
cowardly act of
evasion with the most self-sacrificing endeavor of my career,
I will
not promise you that this conversation will remain polite," he
stated,
visibly subduing fists which seemed desperately desirous of
clenching
themselves.
"I do not presume to. And yet, do you ever--during
those rare moments of calm in your perilous
undertakings--wonder what
it is like?"
"What the devil do you mean?" he demanded.
"You
already explained yourself in 1894 very effectively," I hissed at him,
"and thus we do not need to relive what was, I know, a painful
period
for us both. What I would like to find
out is whether you know what
it is like to wait for someone whom you love, useless, ineffective,
impotent, every day imagining some harm has befallen them. I
want to
know if you have ever considered, despite your lofty
commissions and
good intentions, what I must have felt. For God's sake,
Holmes, I have
not even been allowed to write you these last two years!"
"Surely
that is not an exclusive hardship," he snarled. "Every letter
you were
not allowed to write I was not allowed to receive."
"Granted!"
I exclaimed. "At least you had the comfort
of knowing your actions
were benefiting your country. My actions amounted to less
than
nothing. Which is why I--"
His look stopped me cold. "Are you
in earnest?" he asked in a tone, I confess, I had never before
heard.
"Did you truly re-enlist? What, specifically, did you request
of your
contact? I assume you still have friends who would be willing
to
assign you to less urgently targeted areas."
"The front," I
said, as quickly as I could. I never thought in all my life
that an
act of patriotism could possibly cause me so much shame.
He
looked at me as if an effort of will on his part would render my words
null and void. "You cannot mean it," he said at length.
"I
did," I said, the words now tumbling out in a flood toward the only man
with whom I had ever truly felt comfortable, respected, and loved, all
at the same time. "I wanted to matter, so very
badly. I thought you
would be gone another two years. Five, for all they would
tell me. I
received a telegram in June--'Our mutual friend likely dead,
Stop.
Condolences, Stop.' I refused to believe them. Your
message today
came as a complete shock. Don't look like that, it
is nothing like
your fault--your entire operation would have collapsed had you
communicated regularly with me. I can only excuse myself by
saying my
patriotism runs as deep as yours. I wanted to matter
the way I used
to, the old, visceral notion of saving someone though they
have only
half a leg and severe internal bleeding. Someone thought me
worth
saving, after all. At great risk."
I pulled Holmes close to me by the arms. He had gone utterly
white.
"You have re-enlisted, and you requested to be stationed near
the front?"
I swallowed as deeply as my constricted throat would allow.
"Yes, I have."
He
made no reply. He stalked to the nearest breakable antiquity,
a vase
of indeterminate origin, and threw it forcefully against the
wall. It
shattered into pleasingly small pieces.
"Holmes!" I exclaimed, too startled to do anything but call
his name.
"Oh,
don't trouble yourself to explain what it is--" he gasped, seemingly
awash in agony, "--it is punishment for the
waterfall. What else could
merit such measures?"
"Holmes, stop. Stop, my love, please," I protested
as he smashed another priceless collectible on the floor.
He did stop, but he regarded me with such a fury that I could not speak
a word.
"I
am an abomination, after all. I surgically extracted myself
from the
one human being who meant most to me. No doubt I
deserve whatever that
person sees fit to throw. My apologies for having already
selected the
most splintering objects," he sneered. "In addition, please
excuse me
for having considered myself forgiven for all these years."
"You
know nothing about it!" I shot back, grasping him forcibly by
the
shoulders. "I have lived for more or less seven years in
complete
agony. I imagine you might more easily sympathize if
you had only ever
experienced such a thing!"
"Oh, but you're wrong," he declared, his eyes
now inexpressibly fatigued. "I have experienced it,
I assure you."
"Have
you?" I snapped, releasing my hold on him. "You have
sat there alone,
wondering idly whether the man you love is going to be returned to you
in one piece?"
"Yes, I have. You are far stronger than I am,
you see, my dear fellow," he said, spitting out the words with chilling
precision. "It lasted all of two days, a figure exactly
matched, not
coincidentally, by the amount of time I was able to stand it.
And if
you truly still consider me as deficient in human sympathy as I am
pre-eminent in intellect, you are either a masochist or a
lunatic." So
saying, he stalked to the front door and down the steps into the humid
night.
My indignant conviction melted considerably under the
burning shock of his words. I followed after him cautiously,
my heart
pounding in my chest. I never enjoyed fighting with Holmes,
particularly when I sensed my own position was illogical, but
the
thought that I could have just ruined a love
affair of thirty years
duration left me shaken and ill.
He stood a short distance from the car, smoking a cigarette
furiously. I slowly closed the distance between us.
"I
imagine the incident to which you refer consisted of my guarding an
empty warehouse for an hour while you wrestled seven or eight ruffians
to the ground elsewhere," I stated caustically. My anger was
swiftly
ebbing, but I had suffered too much at his hands to abandon the topic
entirely.
"You are remarkably cavalier about a case which some critics refer to
as your finest literary achievement," he returned dryly.
"If I did write such a thing, I am shocked that I still haven't worked
out what on earth you are talking about."
"No
more than I am," he remarked scornfully. "These two years
have
certainly been unkind to you if you can no longer recall a little
incident I looked into for Sir Henry Baskerville of Baskerville Hall."
"Holmes..."
I said slowly, praying that he did not mean what I thought he must have
meant. For if I had guessed right, I had been very obtuse
indeed.
"I
sent you off into a web of circumstances I knew to be dire in order
that I might wrap up a case of blackmail in London.
I wrapped it up
very shabbily indeed, if truth be told, but my client was hardly a man
worthy of my undivided attention. Two nightmarish days passed
before
I, quite inexplicably, took up residence in a cave. Is any of
this
coming back to you? Perhaps if I provide you more visceral
details.
There was a spectral hound, I recall--"
"Holmes," I repeated in some anguish, "two days is hardly--"
"Two
years? I am aware of the fact. As I said before,
you are far more
courageous than I am. And now you are asking me to make my
rounds at
Whitehall, cracking codes for the Admiralty and advising double agents,
while you--" He stopped abruptly and buried his face in his
hands.
"I
have no intention of dying," I cried, taking him in my arms.
He clung
to me as if I were a lifeline. "I could not wait any
longer. It was
driving me mad. I was told more than once you could not
possibly be
finished before 1916. I love England just as you do--I wished
to be of
some use."
"It has already begun," he whispered. "It has begun,
and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it. We have
invaded
Togoland. Everyone is equipped with barbed wire and machine
guns. The
Serbians have mobilized along the Drina and the Sava rivers.
We are
building trenches in Belgium, and the German company IG Faber has
nearly developed a method of delivering horrifically painful and fatal
chlorine gases across--" he stopped himself forcibly and clutched my
head to his chest. "You cannot mean it," he said once
more. "However
you felt you had to punish me, this is enough, is it not? I
have never
known you to be cruel."
I had known that it would not be easy.
I am not often subject to fits of self-delusion. But I had
seen
Sherlock Holmes that close to tears only twice before: once, twenty
years previous, when I had told him in no uncertain terms after his
three year disappearance that I never wished to see him again; and
again, in 1902, moments after I had been shot in the leg. I
have no
notion of how long we stood there, but when we finally broke apart, he
walked back to the long, low house alone, and I stood
there and watched
as the waves dashed themselves to pieces on the rocks below.
Between
us we managed to bundle Von Bork into the back seat of the motorcar the
next morning. Holmes, despite evident
exhaustion, exchanged easy
pleasantries with his former employer, but the German was too
devastated at having lost everything to make a very coherent
conversationalist. After many spluttered threats, the
formidable agent
lapsed into despairing silence as I wove the car through winding
country roads and so back to the teeming city of London. I
drove in
silence, and Holmes seemed glad of it. We made a sorry trio
as we
passed sun-soaked hills and drying pasture land, each mired in his own
dark musings.
We left Von Bork at Scotland Yard in the care of
several phlegmatic inspectors, and walked in silence back to the
vehicle. I had an appointment with my friend Major Cook, to
whom I had
sent the letter four days before offering my old services once
again.
Fearing I would be late, I nevertheless offered Holmes a lift back to
Baker Street, but he shook his head.
"Go on, my dear fellow. I have missed London. It is
an easy
walk, and I have one or two little matters to attend to."
"Very well, then," said I. "I will see you at home.
I shall be with you as soon as I can."
He
smiled once, the sort of ghastly smile one finds oneself resorting to
out of shock at a savage blow, turned on his heel, and made off down
the street, and my heart felt as if it had gone with him. I
think I
stood on the pavement for some minutes wondering whether Holmes would
think me any less of a man if I pretended never to have written at
all. It mattered but little what Holmes would think, I
knew. I would
not be able to abide myself. I hardly registered
what I was doing as I
steered toward Major Cook's offices, and when I at
last ascended his
stairs, I thought myself quite drained of human sentiment.
He shook my
hand heartily as he rose from his desk, walrus moustaches twitching
with his pleasure at seeing me again. We had been quite close
many
years before, but our careers--his own in his case, and Holmes' in
mine--had diminished the relationship into one of mutual
goodwill.
"You
look well, Doctor," he said affably, offering me a chair. He
sat down
across from me with an expression of
placid contentment. "It was very
good of you to write. It quite made my afternoon when I
received your
post, that it did, sir. A most patriotic and charitable
gentleman you
always were, my dear fellow."
We talked desultorily of this and
of that. I recall not a single topic under discussion that
afternoon.
The sun's shadow on the wall crept slowly toward a framed picture,
nearly identical to mine, of General Gordon. He rang for tea,
which I
accepted and then forgot was in my hand. When I saw what I
was
holding, it had gone cold. Nearly forty minutes had passed
when he
rose with a smile.
"I really cannot give you any more time today, old chap, but it's been
unspeakably good to see you."
I regarded him quizzically. I confess I had no notion of what
he
was playing at. "You've nothing further to tell me?"
"Tell you?" he laughed. "Whatever do you mean, old
fellow? Had you a question you forgot to ask me?"
"I imagined you would make clear where I was to be posted, and to whom
I should report."
His
kindly brows twitched with concern as he leaned back against his
desk.
"Now, look here old chap," he said softly. "That letter of
yours was
very well meant, and well-received too, I assure you. But I
am afraid
there is very little I can do for you. Perhaps England will
reach a
state in which we man our front lines with men of more advanced years
than is currently necessary, but even if that were the case, you were
wounded twice, my dear fellow--the shoulder and the leg, was it
not?
You must not take offense at my words, for you look as fit as any
British gentleman ought. But you cannot expect that I, as
your friend,
would hold against you an impractical gesture, however
generously it
may have been intended. I say, my dear fellow, are you all
right?"
"Yes,"
I said, smiling nonsensically. He thought my dazed appearance
resulted
from a blow to my self-image. In truth my ears were ringing
with
ecstatic disbelief. "Thank you my dear Major," I said
quickly, shaking
his hand. "Thank you for the tea. I am afraid that
I must be off as
well. It was very good of you to see me, my dear fellow."
"Not
at all," he laughed, "you are most welcome," but I am afraid I hardly
heard him, as I was already out the door and tumbling down the steps
toward home.
Baker Street was empty when I reached
it. I paced impatiently, in a fever of relief, interrupting
my
circumlocutions only to dash to the top of the stairs or glance
earnestly down from the bow window to observe our
front door. At last,
a tiny thrill shot up my spine as I heard a key turn in the
downstairs
lock. My companion's usually elegant tread
sounded grim indeed as he
climbed the stairs. I had just reached the sitting room door
when
Holmes opened it from the opposite side and I collided with him in
gleeful abandon, knocking several volumes of books from his hands and
kissing him as if my life depended on it.
He broke away with a
gasp, far sooner than he would normally have done. He had
been to the
barber and was as near to himself again as I could have wished, save
that his usual pallor was heightened and the dark circles under his
eyes deeply etched. I had done this, I knew. But he
had done as much
to me and we would make it up to each other. He took
me in at a glance.
"What has happened?"
"They'll have none of me," I replied.
"They--I
beg your pardon?" he stammered, hope spreading so quickly across his
visage that tears started in my eyes. I ignored them.
"I am old and useless. I kissed you like that just now in a
feeble effort to regain the lost passions of my youth."
A radiant smile broke across his sharp features. "I would not
have characterized it as feeble. You are not leaving?"
"Not unless you are," I laughed.
"Oh,
thank God," he breathed, drawing me close to him. In another
instant,
however, he had me by the lapels of my frock coat and was shaking me
with a grim, set-lipped fury.
"Do not ever. Ever. Do anything like that
again. Do you hear me?"
"Assuredly."
Another
shake followed my reply. My friend is remarkably strong in
the
forearms, I recalled ruefully as my shoulder began to throb.
"You are
not subject to my will, I know perfectly well. However, if
you ever
favor me with such a horrifying night again, I will not be responsible
for what I do. You are warned."
I took care not to smile at his
words, nor indicate the degree of arousal to which his violent grasp
had brought me. For Holmes, relief and anger were all too
often
inextricably mixed, especially where I was concerned; I knew not why
the feeling infuriated him so, but I guessed that relief implied
weakness, a characteristic he had never ceased abhorring.
"Holmes," I said as carelessly as possible, "you look as if you are
about to beat me senseless."
"And
so I should," he snapped, letting me go and withdrawing a cigarette
from his case as he threw himself into his armchair.
"You think me,
after thirty years, some sort of monstrous automaton. You
ought to be
punished for such an injurious notion."
"I see," I continued,
allowing myself a slight smile. My mind was working
rapidly. "Do you
imagine the punishment will take a fiscal, verbal, corporal, or some
other, more unusual form?"
"I have not yet ruled anything out," he replied icily, lighting his
cigarette with deliberate disdain.
I
made every attempt to read the finer points of his posture, but the
effort was thwarted by his seated position. "Well, then," I
murmured,
aware I was treading a very fine line indeed, "I have an idea."
"I am open to suggestion, of course," he returned coldly.
His
frigid tone actually emboldened me, for if there was one man in the
world whose behavior I had studied with the fervor of lifelong
devotion, it was the man curled in a knot of barely
suppressed rage
before the fireplace. Striving as best I could for an
absolute
neutrality of tone, I said, "I propose you take me to bed, and then
feel free to do as you see fit with me."
I held my breath. It
was a very long shot, but if not provided with an
outlet--and I
was quite loathe to engage my friend in fisticuffs--he could
remain
this way for a matter of days. In any event, I reflected as I
fought
to remain expressionless, the only thing more electrifying than being
ravished by Sherlock Holmes was being ravished by Sherlock Holmes while
he was in a cold fury.
He glared at me in hostile silence for an
eternally long moment. "Fine," he said shortly,
flicking the butt of
his cigarette into the grate and striding to the door to retrieve his
books.
"I'll just be in your room, then," I said contritely, heading for his
door.
"I
will be there in five minutes," he shrugged dismissively.
"Ten,
perhaps. I must jot down a reply to my brother. He
has offered me
another commission."
I froze, my hand on his doorknob. "May I inquire what the
commission consists of?"
"If
you listened to a word I say, you would recall I mentioned it to you
already. They desire me to break a series of very intricate
codes. I
will be shuttling back and forth between our rooms and
Whitehall. More
than likely, for the duration of the war. I requested a
position in
London."
"Ah," I said evenly. "I see. I'll just begin
undressing, then. My regards to your brother."
He
did not deign to reply, by look, word, or gesture. I did not
wait for
one. I closed Holmes' door and leaned back against it,
breathing at
long last a great, slow sigh of relief.
Tracing my fingers
lightly over the wood, my mind went inexplicably back to the
front.
Part of me wondered, after all, what it would have been like to be back
in combat once more. War had changed since I had been a
soldier, but
the horrors remained the same, and the need for doctors all the more
urgent. At times in the desert, I had done nothing more for a
poor lad
who had been blasted apart but to close his eyes when I found
him.
Somehow, even that much had seemed a help. At other
times, I had
laboured for weeks over a fiercely courageous comrade hacked to bits by
enemy steel, only to awaken one arid red morning to find him
dead.
Dead for no one reason--dead because he could not fight
anymore. Those
were the worst days, I remembered. The days when all efforts
seemed in
vain.
Pulling off my cravat, I crossed to Holmes' window
and pushed it open. A gentle breeze caressed my face
as I removed my
collar and rotated my shoulder tenderly. Leaning on the sill,
I drew
in a deep breath. The air smelled of baked brick, of horses
and,
increasingly, of car exhaust. He had written to his
brother--before he
had returned, so much was clear to me. He had asked to remain
in
London. Not all efforts are in vain, I
thought. I shut the window again. It would never do
to leave it open, after all.